A Year in the Naruto Universe
by kacheep
Summary: Oh Em Gee! A year in the Naruto Universe? Will YOU survive? If you do, good job! If you don't...well, I don't really care. As of 11-23-2010, 43% done.
1. Day 1: God

A/N: 365 one-shots. Crack. Need I say more? :P Reviews=Love

* * *

Jiraya and Tsunade were having a very important conversation.

"So," Jiraya asked. "Is God a guy or a girl?"

Tsunade shrugged. "I'd say God is both. He wouldn't want to seem sexist."

"Then is he gay or straight?" Jiraya asked again.

"Well, God wouldn't want to offend anyone," Tsunade thought. "So I guess God is gay AND straight."

"Ah..." Jiraya digested this information. Suddenly, he gasped. "God is _Orochimaru?_"


	2. Day 2: Lectures

"So, what will your lecture next week be about?" asked Tsunade.

Jiraya gulped. _Crap! _He thought. _I can't let her know I'm gonna talk about sex, or else she might think of me as a...a PERV, or something!_

_"_Er...I'm going to talk about the fabulous and awe-inspiring topic of..." Jiraya tried to stall. "s...suh...SAILING! Yeah, I'm gonna talk about sailing!" Jiraya finished, looking rather pleased with himself.

"Hmmm..." Tsunade looked at him skeptically. For some reason, she felt that he was lying.

* * *

"LADY HOKAGE!" Shizune poked her.

"Huh? What? Where's my sake...?" Tsunade groggily opened her eyes.

"Did you know that Jiraya-san gave a speech yesterday?" Shizune inquired on. "He certainly had a unique view of the topic, wouldn't you say?"

Tsunade peered at Shizune. "That's weird...He's only done it twice; the first time he threw up, and the second time he fell off in the middle of it."

"...BWAHAHAHAHA!" Shizune laughed herself out of the room.


	3. Day 3: Cheating

"Frick!" cursed Choji. "There's a test coming up and I know I'm gonna fail!" He curled up into a fetal position and started to suck his thumb.

Shikamaru sighed. "Hmph. Test, schmest. I've never studied for a test before in my life. Studying is such a drag." He rolled over onto his back.

Choji suddenly had...an epiphany.

Hey...Choji thought to himself. _If I just copy off of Shikamaru's paper, then I'm home free!_ "... Hey, Shikamaru, mind if I sit next to you tomorrow?"

Shikamaru rolled over onto his stomach. "Gawd, life is such a drag..."

"Uh...I'll take that as a yes."

* * *

AFTER THE TEST

Iruka paced importantly while he flipped through the graded tests. "The top scorer on this test will be given a week off from missions." He announced.

Choji allowed himself an evil smirk. _YEAH, BABY!!! I'M A SHOO-IN!! _

Iruka continued to pace. "We had two top scorers, Choji and Shikamaru. However, Shikamaru will get a week off from missions, while Choji will recieve detentions every day for a month." He gave Choji his best stink-eye.

"NANI??!!" Choji was shocked into Japanese.

Iruka smiled evilly. "That's right Choji. Shikamaru's answer to number 12 was 'Life is a drag'. Yours was 'That's totally true'."


	4. Day 4: Ugliness

It was yet another day at the Akatsuki hideout.

Deidara stared at the only female member of the Akatsuki. "Wow, un, Konan's _really_ pretty!" He mumbled.

Kisame was undressing Konan with his eyes. "I KNOW! If she was our leader, I'd never be able to concentrate on my missions!" He sighed.

"Good thing we have Pein." Kakuzu muttered, while counting his suitcase of money for the 375th time that day.

Pein looked hurt. "What?" He whined.


	5. Day 5: Acrophobia

Sakura was sitting in a dentist's waiting room. The wallpaper was tacky and the receptionist was ugly, but she had a _really_ bad toothache.

Suddenly, the receptionist spoke up. She had a voice like a dying...thing. "The dentist will see you now. He's located on the 56th floor."

Sakura gulped. She was scared of heights.

* * *

One LONG elevator trip later:

The dentist scribbled some important stuff on his clipboard. "All right, Miss Sakura, if you'll just have a seat on this chair here, we can get started."

Sakura hyperventilated, but forced herself to sit on the chair.

The dentist looked at her strangely. "Is something wrong?"

Sakura shivered. "Oh no, it's just that I'm _really really_ scared of heights."

The dentist smiled what he imagined to be a fatherly smile, but it ended up looking like a stalker's leer. "Oh, that's not a problem." He bent down and lowered the chair three inches. "There, is that better?"

Sakura vowed never to try a bag of Uber Rock Hard Crystal Peanut Brittle _ever again._


	6. Day 6: Pinching

The Akatsuki hideout was in total chaos. Pein groaned. This was the seventh migraine he had suffered that morning. He had had enough.

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!" He screeched. "NO PUNCHING, KICKING, HITTING, STARING, NAME-CALLING, DANCING, WHINING, FIGHTING, MURDERING, RAPING, PUSHING, SCRATCHING, TATTLING, OR KILLING!!"

Zetsu scratched his head. Then he smiled.

"HEY EVERYONE!" his white side yelled. "**LETS START PINCHING!!" **his black side finished.

Everyone cheered.


	7. Day 7: Black Eyes

Naruto was sitting in Tsunade's waiting room. "GRANNY TSUNADE!!!" He yelled.

Tsunade opened the door and came in. "What is it?!" She snapped.

Naruto sighed in relief. "Whew, I thought you'd never get here!" he pointed to his eyes. "My eyes hurt."

Tsunade grunted. "Really. As if the two black eyes didn't give it all away... Hmph."

Naruto continued to talk. "Every single time I eat ramen, I feel... kind of a stabbing pain in my eye." He explained tearfully. "Sometimes, it's the right eye, and-"

"Naruto!" Tsunade barked.

Naruto scowled. "Hey, I didn't finish my expla-"

"Take the chopsticks out of the bowl, BEFORE you start to eat."

...

...

...

"Pshaw, Granny Tsunade, I knew that! What am I, some kind of dumb blonde?" Naruto grinned and ran out of the room.

Tsunade sighed. "If only you knew, Naruto," she muttered. "if only you knew."


	8. Day 8: Scavenger Hunt

Tobi knocked on the door. "HELLOOO!! ANYBODY THERE!!!???" he sang.

Hidan opened the door a crack. "Fuck! Tobi, don't bother me right now, I'm in the middle of a fucking ritual!"

Tobi whimpered. "But, Hidan-san! I'm on a treasure hunt! I need to find a set of handcuffs, a gag, a bottle of vaseline, and a whip to earn a dollar! It's for Deidara-Sempai!" He looked up at Hidan hopefully.

"Deidara...sent you on a _treasure hunt_?! HA! " Hidan laughed uncontrollably while sporadically blurting out curses.

Tobi shook his head. "No, Sasori-san sent me. He told me it was for Deidara-sempai."

Hidan sweatdropped. "Er...I'm going to throw up now." He closed the door.

Tobi shrugged, and went on to another door.


	9. Day 9: Shirts

"Wow, Kiba," Hinata mumbled. "That's a really nice shirt."

Kiba shrugged. "Eh. I dunno. The color and design are pretty good, but the sleeves are three inches too long."

Hinata ventured her own opinion. "Maybe you could give it to Asuma-sensei."

Ino joined their conversation. "Right. It was probably made for a taller person."

Kiba scoffed at her idea. "That's dumb. It still fits the same, even when I stand on my toes."


	10. Day 10: The Talk

Shortly after Hinata was born, Neji's father decided to tell his son the facts of life. He went to the library and checked out several books on the topic. He was ready.

-----------------

One VERY awkward talk later...

"So, son, do you understand what I just told you?" Hizashi Hyuga asked. He felt very uncomfortable.

"Yes, father." Neji replied. "But, I do have one question."

Hizashi gulped. _Oh shit. _"Ahem....Y...yes, s...suh...son?"

"...Can I have some candy?" Neji asked.

"...Yes. Yes you can."


	11. Day 11: Immortality

Kakuzu was selling medicine at a health fair. When he counted three hundred people, he felt it was time to bring out the big guns.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," Kakuzu bellowed. "CHILDREN OF ALL AGES!"

Everyone stared at him.

"I HAVE FOUND THE ELIXER OF LIFE!" Kakuzu yelled, holding up a tiny bottle. "JUST ONE TINY BOTTLE WILL ALLOW YOU TO LIVE FOREVER!" he screamed. "AND IT'S YOURS, FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $9,999.99!" He continued to pitch his product.

Nobody believed him. "If it works so well, why don't YOU drink it?" one person in the crowd asked. "You look at least sixty years old!"

"THANK YOU, MY GOOD MAN," Kakuzu continued to screech at the crowd. "I'M ACTUALLY APPROACHING MY 789TH BIRTHDAY!"

Now, the crowd started surging up and giving away their hard earned money to the con artist. One person was still not sure, so he asked Kakuzu's assistant, Hidan.

"Hey, young fella," The man called. "Is this guy really that old?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to know?" Hidan spat. "I've only worked for the old bastard for 300 years."


	12. Day 12: Boat Race

It was the day of the great boat race against Suna and Konoha.

"Get ready...Get set...." The referee called. "GO!"

After many hours, Suna had lost by a mile. Gaara was not pleased.

"GO!" Garra growled to his spies. "Find out everything about the Konoha team!"

Three days later, the spies retured. "Lord Kazekage," the first spy reported. "The Konoha team has one manager and seven rowers on their boat."

Gaara pondered this information. His team, the Suna team, had seven managers and only one rower. "All right," Garra announced. "I challenge the Leaf ninja to a rematch!"

Gaara spent all of the next week designing his new team. Now, it would have one senior manager, six management assistants, and one rower. On the day of the race, however, the Suna team lost by two miles. So Garra put the rower to death.


	13. Day 13: Malpractice

"Lady Tsunade!" Lee called from across the street. "I have to ask you a question!

"Oh god," Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Look away, look away, look aw- AHHHHH!" She screamed. Lee was suddenly standing in front of her.

"Lady Tsunade!" Lee said.

Tsunade sighed. "Yes, Lee?"

"Remember when I was sick, how you told me to stay in bed until you called?" Lee asked. "That was last year. You never called."

Tsunade thought for a moment. "Oh, yes. I remember saying that." she replied. "I didn't call? Then what are you doing out of bed?"

Lee fidgeted and stared at his toes. "Well, I realized that the telephone hadn't been invented yet."

"Ah."


	14. Day 14: Cruise

**River Cruise! Only $100! Sign up inside.**

"Wow," Suigetsu gasped. "That sounds AWESOME!"

Karin rolled her eyes. "A cruise _that _cheap is probably just a scam. Right, Sasuke?" She sidled up to him suggestively.

Sasuke ignored her. "What do you think, Juugo?"

"Hmmm," Juugo thought. "Maybe a cruise would smother my ruthless killing rages for a while." He smiled and nodded yes.

"Well, I guess that cinches it," announced Sasuke. "We're all going on a cruise."

The team headed inside, where they were subsequently knocked unconscious and robbed of all their money. Then, they were tossed into a little river near the back of the building. As they were floating together, Juugo's stomach growled.

"I wonder if this cruise serves any food," He thought out loud.

"I doubt it," Suigetsu sighed. "They didn't serve anything last year."


	15. Day 15: Ventriloquism

"So..." Pein asked. "Why do you want to join the Akatsuki?"

"I dream of making a billion dollars as a ventriloquist, just like my old granny," Sasori replied. He inspected his fingers closely for splinters.

"Your grandmother made a billion dollars as a ventriloquist?!" Pein gasped incredulously.

"No, but she dreamed of it." Sasori plucked out a splinter.


	16. Day 16: Obesity

"DAD!!" Choji ran screaming in to the house. He was sobbing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong, Son?" Chouza asked, concerned.

"P..People make f...fun of m..m...me for being f...f...FAT!!" Choji wailed.

"Son," Chouza rested his hand on his son's back. "When I was your age, I weighed THREE HUNDRED pounds!" He said proudly.

"R...rea...Really?" Choji asked, still sniffling.

"Yes. But today, I tip the scale at 298. That's not bad for a man my age!" He finished.

His wife came into the room. "You mean it took you_ that _long to lose TWO POUNDS?" she remarked.


	17. Day 17: Pwned

Kakashi was traveling up a narrow mountain road, carrying a large package. They were souveinirs from the Icha Icha Expo he had just been to.

Jiraya was traveling down a narrow mountain road. He was going to the Icha Icha Expo that was taking place the entire day.

Suddenly, the two shinobi met. The road was too narrow for each of them to pass the other for two miles each way.

Jiraya rolled up his sleeves. "If you don't back up two miles," He growled menacingly to Kakashi. "I won't like what I'll have to do..."

Kakashi gulped, and backed up the entire two miles down the mountain road. Finally, they both had gotten to the bottom.

"Jiraya..." Kakashi asked. "What was it that you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?"

Jiraya chuckled. "Back up two miles."


	18. Day 18: Bones

Once again, Orochimaru and Kabuto were up to no good. Up in their laboratory, they were currently fiddling with goodness-knows-what.

"Kabuto," Orochimaru picked up a dinosaur bone. "How old is this bone?"

"Exactly one hundred million and three years, Orochimaru-sama!" Kabuto chirped. "Kabuto lives to please his master!" He smiled creepily.

Orochimaru gave an inward shudder and continued to fiddle with the bone. "How did you know the exact age?" He asked his young partner-in-crime.

"Well," Kabuto explained. "When I found this bone, a geologist told me it was one hundred million years old. And that was three years ago." Kabuto leered at Orochimaru in a rather pedophile-y way.

"I see..." Orochimaru shivered. It was time to find a new person to work with.


	19. Day 19: Summer Jobs

It was time to get summer jobs in the Hidden Leaf Village.

Kurenai chose to be a room painter, and Asuma chose to be a curtains and blinds installer.

Soon, Kurenai recieved her first job offer. She went to the client's house first thing in the morning. She still remembered her boss's kind words of caution:

"YOU GET PAINT ON YOUR UNIFORM AND YOU'RE OUTTA HERE, YA GOT THAT?!"

When the kunoichi started painting, she realized it would be almost impossible to paint the room's walls without getting paint on her uniform. So she covered up the windows with newspaper, locked the door, took off her clothes, and started to paint.

An hour later, someone knocked at the door.

"Who is it?" Kurenai called.

"Blind man!" was the reply.

As Kurenai saw no harm in letting a blind man come into the room, she opened the door.

"Wow..." Asuma mumbled, staring at her. "Now, where do you want these blinds?"


	20. Day 20: Fish Food

Kisame looked longingly at the rows upon rows of fish food inside the pet store.

Itachi glared at him. "Kisame. We've spent an hour in this stupid pet shop. We are leaving in 5 MINUTES."

Kisame ignored him. He caressed the fish food with his eyes. He wanted a can of fish food _so badly_, but he didn't have any money.

"Excuse me ... Steve," He said, reading the cashier's name tag. "How much is a can of fish food?"

The pimply-faced teen checked his employee handbook. "10.99" He replied. He had a horribly nasal voice.

Kisame sighed in defeat.

"BUT...the more you buy the cheaper they are," finished the cashier.

Kisame's heart leapt with joy! He started to place can after can onto the checkout area's countertop. "Alrighty then, just tell me when they become free!" he grinned.

The cashier consulted his employee handbook again. "Uh..., sir, I don't think-"

It was to no avail. Kisame was too busy dumping armloads of fish food on the countertop to hear him.


	21. Day 21: Room and Board

A/N: The two rain-nin are from the Pein vs Jiraya arc. I don't know their names. . .so. . .yeah.

* * *

The two rain ninja were still trapped in the belly of Jiraya's toad summon. They were considering the pros and cons of their circumstances.

The first ninja sighed. "This sure is bad luck. Imagine us! Two ninja, in our prime, captured by a weird old dude with a toad fetish."

The second ninja managed a weak smile. "Well, at least we're out of the rain."

The first one nodded. "You've got a point there."

"And," the second one continued. "We've been provided with room and board as well."

The first ninja looked around him. "With room, certainly, but where is the board?"

The second ninja rolled his eyes. "You croaker, WE are the board!"


	22. Day 22: Playing Dead

Team Taka was being pursued by hordes of enemy ninja.

"Death loves a coward!" Juugo snarled. He surged forward and started fighting.

Suigetsu shrugged. "The smart thing to do would be to hide and wait it out." He leapt up into a tall tree and started to wait.

Karin ran towards the enemy ninja, holding a white flag. "In times like these," she muttered. "It's best to join the enemy."

Sasuke surveyed the turmoil around him. The enemy ninja were closing in on him.

"These are malevolent forces," Sasuke said sagely. "Which the wise will neither confront nor avoid." He cracked his knuckles. "The key is to know the nature of your antagonist." Sasuke then dropped to the ground and started to play dead.


	23. Day 23: Pies

Kiba was putting the finishing touches on his magnificent chocolate-marshmallow pie, when Hana burst through the door.

"Go clean your room." she ordered.

"Aww, do I _have_ to?" Kiba whined. "I'm putting the finishing touches on my magnificent chocolate-marshmallow pie!"

"NOW."

Kiba shuddered.

* * *

One room-cleaning later:

Kiba ran back into the kitchen and screamed. Akamaru was halflway done with his magnificent chocolate-marshmallow pie.

"You glutton! You evil-doer!" Kiba wailed. "Akamaru, are you not ashamed to be seen by these four walls, let alone living witnesses?" Kiba spoke reproachfully. "You have been an honorable ninja dog up to this time,one who might be pointed out as a model of discretion!" Kiba lamented sorrowfully. "And now, how great a disgrace you are to the Inuzuka clan! The neighbors will all mock you terribly, and I will be the one they shame!"

While Kiba continued to give the most moving speech of the decade, Akamaru finished off the pie. As you probably know, dogs are not supposed to have chocolate. Akamaru twitched, and suddenly grew to three times his usual size.

* * *

A/N: I've always wondered how Akamaru grew so much in two years... Now I know!


	24. Day 24: Sulking

A/N: Parody of an old Confucian fable, one that probably only I would know.

* * *

As Jiraya and Naruto traveled through the mountains, they happened upon a woman weeping at a graveyard.

"Hey, Pervy Sage," Naruto tugged at Jiraya's hair. "Shouldn't we go see what that woman's crying about?"

Jiraya shooed him off. "Naruto, I came here to train, not to comfort random chicks." Jiraya patted his hair. "And don't touch my hair. It's very sensitive."

Naruto scowled, and dragged Jiraya back to the woman.

"Hey, why are you crying?" He asked kindly.

The woman's eyes were all red and puffy. "My father, husband, and son have all been eaten by tigers," she sniffed.

Jiraya stroked his nonexistent goatee. "Well, why don't you just move?"

The woman sighed. "I don't move because this is the only place in the Land of Fire that those terrible Icha Icha Paradise books are not sold."

Naruto glared at Jiraya. "Remember this, Pervy sage: Tiger attacks are preferable over bad porn."

Jiraya sulked.


	25. Day 25: GPS

Izumo and Kotetsu were hiking.

"La, la, la," Izumo sang. "We're hiking, we're hiking, we're hik-"

"Hey, didn't we _just pass_ that oak tree?" Kotetsu's eyes widened. "Izumo, I think we're lost!"

Kotetsu immediately got out his compass and map, and started to determine where they had gone off the path.

Izumo, on the other hand, reached into his bag and got out a small machine.

"Check it out, Kotetsu!" He dangled the machine in front of Kotetsu's face. "It's the newest thing off the black market."

Kotetsu stared. "What the hell is that thing?" He asked.

"It's a GPS!" Izumo bragged. "It'll tell us EXACTLY where we are!"

Kotetsu sighed. "Yeah. Good luck with your Pee Pee Ess, or whatever it's called." He continued to fiddle with his compass and map.

Izumo locked his GPS onto a satellite tower. "AHA!" He gasped. "I know exactly where we are!"

Kotetsu was amazed. "Where are we?" he asked.

Izumo smiled triumphantly. "We're on that mountain over there." He pointed proudly.


	26. Day 26: Tattoos

Shino wanted a tattoo. BAD. Every day, he would beg his parents for one.

"Mom." Shino would ask. "Can I have a tattoo?"

Her reply would always be no.

Shino was sick and tired of this routine.

"You know what?" He said to his parents one day. "When I'm eighteen, I'm gonna get a tattoo, no matter what you guys say." Then, he stormed out of the room.

* * *

The day after Shino's 18th birthday, he strutted back into the house.

"So, son," His dad began. "I assume you've gotten a tattoo."

"Yup," Shino answered proudly.

"May I see it?" His dad asked. He was curious to see what symbol of masculinity Shino had chosen.

Shino rolled up his sleeve. There, on his arm, was a two-inch image of Donald Duck.


	27. Day 27: Pets

A/N: Most of you have probably heard of this dog joke. Oh well, it's still funny, isn't it?

* * *

A medic-nin, an academy student, an ANBU, and the Hokage were all discussing which of their pets were the best.

The medic-nin was first. "Senbon, do your stuff!"

Senbon the cat retrieved a bottle of alka seltzer, took out exactly one tablet, and put it in a glass of water.

The academy student was next. "Homework, go to it!"

Homework the dog got out a piece of paper and drew a perfect diagram of a ninja's chakra system.

The ANBU was next. "Assassin, show them what you're made of!"

Assassin the snake mixed equal measures of ammonia and bleach and made a vial of poison, which he slipped inside a package of cookies.

The Hokage was last. "Ton Ton, you know what to do."

Ton Ton the pig drank the seltzer water, put his name on the diagram, and ate the cookies. He then promptly died.


	28. Day 28: Epic Fail

Kushina Uzumaki and Minato Namikaze were happily married...or so they thought.

One day, Kushina asked Minato a question.

"If I died, would you remarry?"

Minato shrugged. "Maybe."

Kushina wasn't satisfied yet.

"Would you still live in this house?"

Minato shrugged. "I guess... it's paid for."

"Would you still keep the furniture?"

Minato shrugged once again. "I guess...it's paid for."

"Would you let her use my antique calligraphy brushes?"

Minato shook his head. "Heck no, she's left handed...er...I mean, she, er, _would be_ left handed...oh, what's the use." Minato shrugged tiredly.


	29. Day 29: Laziness

Konohamaru sighed. Ebisu-sensei was THE HARDEST teacher they had ever had.

After traveling all morning Ebisu stopped. "All right, we'll have breakfast now," he commanded.

Konohamaru, Moegi, and Udon all collapsed. After eating nuts and berries that they had found, they were about to set off again.

Ebisu was not happy. _We waste too much time preparing to eat! _he thought. _I know! If we all just eat lunch and dinner now, we won't have to stop until nightfall! Gee, am I smart or what!_

Ebisu cleared his throat. "Konohamaru, Moegi, Udon!" he barked. "We'll just eat lunch and dinner as well."

So the team foraged for edible plants, and also managed to catch a few fish from the nearby river. After eating, the three genin sat down onto the forest floor and sighed contentedly.

Ebisu dragged them all up. "Now that all of our meals are over, we can travel until nighttime, so GET UP!" he bellowed at them.

Konohamaru and Moegi, shooting dark glances at Ebisu, unwillingly pushed themselves up. However, Udon was still sitting down.

Ebisu scowled. "Hey, what gives?"

Udon smirked. "Sorry, Ebisu-sensei, but I never work after dinner."


	30. Day 30: Epic Fail II

Kabuto glanced at Orochimaru uncomfortably. The great Sannin hadn't spoke a word all day. Kabuto couldn't take it anymore.

"ORO-CHAN!!" Kabuto cried. "What's wrong? You haven't spoken of world domination ALL DAY!"

Orochimaru twiddled his thumbs. "Well, Kabuto, to be honest," Orochimaru began. "I've been worrying about something all day now."

Kabuto wilted. "What is it, my Lord?"

Orochimaru sighed. "Are snakes poisonous?"

Kabuto thought for a moment. "Er...some of them, I think..."

Orochimaru gulped. "Oh no," he cried.

Kabuto was immediately by his side. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked.

Orochimaru was......crying! "Oh Kabuto-kun..." he wailed. "I've just bitten my tongue!"


	31. Day 31 END OF JANUARY!

Kakashi, Sakura, and Naruto were on a mission, when Sakura suddenly sensed an outside presence.

"Kakashi-sensei!" she hissed. "We're being followed!"

Kakashi nodded. "I know," he whispered back. "I'll get rid of them for us."

Kakashi suddenly stopped. The enemy ninja were very surprised.

Kakashi spoke first. "Going to the Nudist Colony as well, are you?" he smiled. "Good! You can come with us."

The first enemy ninja coughed. "Er...no, sir, we'll...er...just be going now." They sped away as fast as they could.

Kakashi winked at Sakura and Naruto with his one good eye. "Works every time!" he chuckled.

* * *

A/N: Wo0t! End of January! Only eleven more months to go! Reviews would be nice, and some new ideas would be nice!


	32. Day 32: Fatherhood

It was a sunny day in Konoha. However, one mother was not feeling very well.

In fact, she felt so sick she couldn't even take her little son out for his daily walk.

Her husband was lazy, but he would never neglect his own son. So he took their baby son out for a walk instead. But during the walk, the baby began to cry.

And cry.

And CRY.

AND **CRY**.

"Stay calm, Shikaku," He muttered. "Don't lose your temper, Shikaku. Don't shout, Shikaku, don't cry."

A woman walked up to him. "I think it's wonderful how patient you are with your little Shikaku." she smiled.

The father looked at her strangely. "Ma'am, I'm Shikaku. My son is Shikamaru."


	33. Day 33: Kissing

Jiraya had spent the last six months writing out his new novel. When it came out, Kakashi was the first one to buy a copy. He turned to the first page with high expectations.

"The man turned to his long-lost lover," Kakashi read, so excited he almost peed a little in his pants. "And they kissed, and kissed, and kissed, and kissed, and kissed..."

Kakashi flipped through the rest of the book. "There's nothing in here besides three hundred pages of 'and kissed,'!" he shouted indignantly.

The next day, Kakashi went to Jiraya's training grounds.

"JIRAYA!!" Kakashi screamed. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH YOUR NEWEST BOOK??!!"

Jiraya looked at the book long and hard. "What's wrong with it?"

Kakashi was livid. "What's wrong with it? WHAT'S _WRONG_ WITH IT? IT'S THREE HUNDRED PAGES OF 'AND KISSED,' _THATS_ WHATS _WRONG_ WITH IT!"

Jiraya shrugged. "Passionate kiss." he explained.


	34. Day 34: Pants

Itachi glared at the cashier behind the counter.

"Why can't I get these slacks altered again?" The Uchiha's voice was dangerously low.

"Because you lost your reciept, dude," said the cashier, yet another pimply-faced teen. "Other people are waiting, sir, so if you could please move to the back of the line, that'd be great". The pimply-faced teen, (his name was Joe, by the way), turned another page in his Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition magazine.

Itachi pushed the slacks back onto the counter. "Fine then. I'd like to return these slacks."

Joe took the slacks, and gave Itachi money equaling the value of the slacks.

The Uchiha then handed the money over to the Joe again. "I'd like to buy the slacks."

Joe took the money and handed the slacks over again, with a reciept.

Smiling triumphantly, Itachi handed Joe the slacks and the reciept. "I'd like to get these slacks altered, please."


	35. Day 35: Magazines

A/N: BTW...the telephone has been invented.

* * *

Deidara sighed. Due to his living in a secret hideout, he had missed every single issue of his favorite art magazine, eloquently named _ART_.

So one day, he picked up the phone, and called the _ART_ headquarters. Generic muzak played as he was put on hold. Exactly two hours later, a sales representative picked up the phone.

"Hello, this is _ART_, where art...meets reality." the sales rep said, in a very bored manner. "What can I do for you today, valued customer?"

"Yes! un. Finally!" Deidara gasped. "I'd like to cancel my subscription, un, please."

The sales rep typed something on his keyboard. "Very well sir, but first I'd like to know what is wrong with your current subscription. We here at _ART_ strive for more satisfied customers every day. If you have a problem with your subscription, please let me know." he said in a monotone.

Deidara smiled. Maybe the world still had a heart. "You see, un, I'm currently affiliated with an evil- er, I mean, TOTALLY HARMLESS, un, organization, and, un, that particular organization is located in a secret place, that nobody is supposed to know about." Deidara explained. "So I've been missing, un, a lot of issues."

You could almost hear the sales rep roll his eyes. "I'll let my manager know. I hope I have satisfied your every need, valued customer. The last step to canceling your subscription is to tell me your exact location. I can't cancel the subscription unless I know exactly where you live."

Deidara blew up the telephone.


	36. Day 36: Beggars

Konan was walking along a sidewalk one day, when she saw Kakuzu at his usual spot, beggin for money. He usually had a hat in his left hand, where people dropped their spare change. But today was different.

"Kakuzu?" Konan asked. "Why are you holding up two hats today?"

Kakuzu smiled smugly. "Well, business has been _so_ tremendous lately, that I've decided to open a branch office."

Konan handed him a dime, and walked away, muttering to herself.


	37. Day 37: Potholes

Kankuro lived by a dusty country lane. The road had a big pothole right in the middle of it, filled with water. When people walked by, they would look inside the pothole. Then, they would suddenly feel a firm push from behind. They would fall into the pothole and almost drown in the murky water. Kankuro would come running to pull them out, for a fee.

"Wow, you must make a lot of money, pulling people out of this pothole, day and night," Temari remarked, as her brother hauled yet another hapless traveler from the giant pothole.

Kankuro grinned. "Nope. At night, I fill the pothole with water."


	38. Day 38: Stalkers

Hinata was pushing a shopping cart around the Konoha Supermarket. She felt very at-ease, until she saw Shino standing still, staring at her.

Hinata dismissed the disturbing image and wandered to the floral section. She looked behind her. Shino was closer to her this time, and still staring at her.

_Oh no,_ Hinata thought. _What if he's a...STALKER!?" _Hinata gulped and wandered to the feminine products aisle, in hopes of shaking off Shino. But he still followed her.

Hinata's heart was beating like a drum when she felt a tap on her shoulder. It was Shino.

Hinata's vision got woozy. She stared bravely back at Shino.

"Hinata," Shino's voice sounded menacing and stalker-like. "You...have my shopping cart."


	39. Day 39: Mail

Pein rushed into the post office, clutching an envelope.

"This needs to be delivered A S A P!" he panted. Inside the envelope was his nomination form for the Most Outstanding Evil Villain award.

The delivery nin casually weighed the envelope in his hand. "It'll cost ya about...oh, ten bucks."

Pein fumbled around in his pockets. "Er, I don't have that much."

The delivery nin punched some numbers on a cash register. "Alrighty then, it's gonna cost $7.58," he said.

Pein shook his head sadly. "I don't have $7.58," he mumbled.

The delivery nin sighed in annoyance. "Fine, _sir_, how much DO you have?"

"$2.76..." Pein meekly replied.

The delivery nin turned around. "Hey, you, get the catatpult ready!"


	40. Day 40: Kangaroos

The people of Suna were rejoicing. They had just opened the first zoo in the entire ninja world. Gaara was presiding over the festivities.

"My good people..." Gaara announced. "I give you....the kangaroo." Gaara made a series of elaborate gestures, motioning to the kangaroo in its new cage.

And the crowd went wild.

_Finally! __I'll finally get back at those idiotic Konoha ninja...how dare they beat me in a boat race!" _Gaara thought indignantly.

He motioned for silence. The few pesky loud ones were immediately ..._silenced_...by Gaara's sand.

"In honor of our new kangaroo," Gaara continued. "We have built it...a 30-foot tall fence!"

The next day, the kangaroo escaped.

"Build the wall up ten feet!" Gaara commanded.

The next day, the kangaroo escaped again.

"Build the wall up TWENTY feet!!" Gaara snarled.

The kangaroo still escaped.

"Hey," a koala asked the kangaroo. "How far up d'ya think they'll build the fence?"

"Dunno," the roo replied. "Maybe a thousand feet-if they keep leaving the gate unlocked."


	41. Day 41: Cheese

A group of retired Konoha ninja were on a tour of a Iwagakure goat-cheese-making facility. The overly cheery guide herded them to a lush green pasture, where many goats grazed in peace. The tour group stopped there to take pictures.

"This is where all of our goats go to when they become too old to produce milk." The chipper young guide gave them a sparkling smile. "What do your people do with your old goats over in Konoha?" she asked.

"They send us on these retarded tours," Sarutobi, former Hokage, muttered under his breath.

------------

A/N: Yay! My first drabble! And if I'm not mistaken, a drabble has to have EXACTLY 100 words. Wait...does the author's note count? It better not. Anyways, reviews and suggestions for future days are very welcome.


	42. Day 42: Good Boys

One day, Deidara had finally had enough.

"Tobi." he barked. Tobi came running to him.

"YEEEEEEEEES, Deidara-Sempai?" he squealed.

"Why, un," Deidara asked. "Are you a good boy, Tobi?"

Tobi sat. He stared. He stroked his nonexistent goatee. He stood on his head (1). He consulted Wikipedia.

"... ... ..._Tobi doesn't know why Tobi is a good boy_!" Tobi gasped in wonderment.

Deidara snickered. "Then...is it, un, possible that Tobi, un, is a _bad boy_??"

Well, THAT totally set Tobi off.

Deidara watched in horror as Tobi underwent a terrifying transformation.

"**_TOBI IS A BAD, BAD, BOY!!_**" The Tobi-monster roared.

"N...n..o...no, no, no, un! Tobi is a good, un, boy, Tobi is a good boy, un!" Deidara shrieked in horror.

There was an audible popping sound as the Tobi-monster turned back into Tobi.

"Tobi is a good boy, right, Deidara-sempai?" Tobi asked sweetly.

"Y...yuh...yes, un," Deidara whimpered.

--------------

(1) I've heard that standing on your head can help your brain cells, or something.


	43. Day 43: Big Heads

Choji was again, sobbing uncontrollably. "MOM!" he wailed. "EVERYONE'S MAKING FUN OF ME AGAIN!"

Choji's mother put a comforting arm around her son's back. "Awww, does little Choji-kins need a huggie wuggie?"

Choji sniffled. "Everyone laughed at me 'cause they thought my head was big."

His mother patted his head. "Oh, Choji," she smiled. "Your head is beautiful, just the way it is."

Choji looked up at her with watery eyes. "Reeeeallly?"

Choji's mother beamed. "Of course it is!" she replied. "Now, go to the store and bring back twenty pounds of potatoes.

Choji scratched his head. "Where's the shopping bag?"

Choji's mother waved a hand at him. "I can't find one right now, so go ahead and use your forehead protector."


	44. Day 44: And In Health

After Minato came home from a tough day of paperwork-burning, he found Kushina teaching their little baby how to talk.

"Da...Dee...Da...Dee..." she said again and again to the baby. She was teaching the little baby to say, 'Daddy'.

Minato was very pleased.

A week later, they were woken up by the baby's cry. "Daddy, Daddy!"

Kushina rolled over. "The baby's calling you," she sniggered.


	45. Day 45: In Sickness

A/N: Yeah...it's another Minato/Kushina oneshot. But I couldn't resist. :)

* * *

Minato was very sick. He was so sick that Kushina thought that he might die. So they went to the best doctor in the entire Leaf village.

After the examination, the doctor called Kushina into the office. He began to explain. "Your husband has a very deadly disease, you see. It's primarily caused by stress. So you can do three things to ensure his survival."

Kushina gulped.

The doctor continued. "First, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about _anything._ Second, cook him three healthy meals a day. And lastly, make passionate love to him _every single day_.

Kushina gulped another gulp on top of her previous gulp.

On the way home, Minato was curious. "What kind of disease do I have?" he asked. "Is everything going to be okay?"

Kushina twiddled her thumbs. "Er...sorry, but you're not going to make it." she smiled cheesily.


	46. Day 46: Cobblers

When Temari visited Konoha during the chunnin exams, she had broken the soles of both of her shoes. So, she took the broken shoes to the local cobbler for repairs.

"So, when can I get these back?" she asked, after she had paid her fee.

"I'm a little busy now," replied the cobbler. "but you can pick them up next Thursday, probably."

Temari sighed. She was leaving at the end of the week. So she bought a new pair of shoes and forgot about her old pair.

* * *

Ten years later, Temari returned to Konoha on a diplomacy mission. She remembered her old shoes.

"Those were a pretty good pair of shoes," Temari remembered. "I'll just pick them up now. They'll probably still fit me."

She made her way to the cobbler's workshop. The cobbler was a very old man now.

"I brought a pair of shoes here, ten years ago. Do you still have them now?" Temari asked.

"Name?" asked the old cobbler.

"Temari," she replied.

The cobbler went to the back of the shop. He came back, holding a pair of shoes.

"Aha!" he exclaimed. "Here we go, one pair of shoes to be repaired. I'm a little busy now, but you can pick them up next Thursday, probably."


	47. Day 47: Dead Pigs

Tsunade was on a gambling trip- er, I mean, _mission_. Unfortunately, the casino, er, I mean, _enemy headquarters,_ didn't allow pets. So, she couldn't bring Ton Ton. After the first day was over, she called Shizune.

"Shizune, how's Ton Ton?" she asked.

"Dead." Shizune replied bluntly.

The line was silent. Then, Tsunade spoke up. "Shizune, you are REALLY inconsiderate!" Tsunade chided. "You should've broken it to me gently."

"For example," Tsunade continued. "today, you could've said that Ton Ton was on the roof, but you were trying to get him down.

"The second day, you could've said that Ton Ton was moving towards the edge of the roof, but you were confident that he wouldn't fall." Tsunade continued to scold.

"The third day, you could've said that Ton Ton had fallen, but he was at the vet, making a recovery." Tsunade was rather out of breath.

"And on the fourth day, you could've said that the vet had done everything he could, but Ton Ton had died anyways." Tsunade finished.

"Yes ma'am!" Shizune said.

"Oh, and before I forget," Tsunade added. "How's Jiraya doing? Last time I saw him, he was going to Amegakure to find out more about the Akatsuki leader."

Shizune was silent. Then, she spoke up. "Er...he's on the roof."


	48. Day 48: Castration

"Hey, Kisame!" Hidan called. "You seriously look fucked up."

Kisame's usual shade of cerulean was diluted to a pale periwinkle. He looked delirious.

"Oy! Itachi!" Hidan yanked Itachi's hair. "What kind of shit did you feed ol' fish-eyes?"

"Hn." Itachi pulled his hair free. "He was looking at me strangely yesterday..."

"So?" Hidan shrugged. "Did you perhaps notice, that...oh, I dunno, HE'S A FRICKIN' FISH?!"

"...so I spayed _and_ neutered him." Itachi finished.

"Damn!" Hidan gasped. "Itachi, you aren't supposed to do BOTH!"

Itachi smiled. "I lacked a different partner."

Hidan glared at him. "You..._bastard_!" Hidan pointed accusingly. "How could you take advantage of a poor, defenseless fish like Kisame?"

"......I didn't want to take any chances." Itachi said, as he walked away.


	49. Day 49: Marriage

Ten years after Pein's attack on Konoha, Hinata and Naruto were married.

A short time after the wedding, Hinata wanted to have her portrait painted. When the painter came, Hinata told him to paint her with diamond earrings, a ruby brooch, an emerald necklace, and a sapphire arm band.

"Before I begin," the painter hesitated. "May I ask why you wanted to be painted with so much jewelry?"

Hinata smiled. "It's in case I die before Naruto. I'm sure he would marry Sakura right away."

Somewhere in Konoha, Lee's heart felt a little pinch.

The painter shrugged. "So? Many people remarry after their spouse dies. It's normal."

Hinata however, had a different idea in mind. "If he marries Sakura," Hinata repeated, with an evil smirk on her face. "I want her to go _nuts_ looking for the jewelry."

The painter laughed uncomfortably.


	50. Day 50: Teacher's Pet

Iruka was sometimes so engrossed in the lesson that he sometimes would bury his head in his lesson plan and call on the same student every single day for answers.

Sakura, after being called upon for a week in a row, asked her friends for help.

Kiba offered a suggestion. "How about this; the next time Iruka calls on you, you'll say: 'Sakura is absent today'. Then, he'll have to call on someone else."

Sakura thought this was a very good idea.

The next day, Iruka asked Sakura to say the hand signs required to perform a clone jutsu.

Sakura crossed her fingers, and said, "Sakura is absent today."

Iruka didn't look up. "Fine then. YOU can answer the question instead."


	51. Day 51: Milk

One day, Ino came into her parents room and tapped on her father's shoulder.

"Mnf...hmnf...what?" Inoichi snorted. "Ino? What are you doing here?"

"Dad!" she called quietly. "I think someone broke into our house!"

Inoichi dutifully grabbed his trusty baseball bat and was about to tiptoe down into the living room, when Ino suddenly stopped him.

"Remember!" Ino reminded him "Sneak up on him. Don't let him see you, and knock him out before he knows what's happened."

Her father nodded, and walked out of the room.

"Pssst!" Ino whispered after him. "When you come back, bring me a glass of milk. I'm parched!"


	52. Day 52: Insanity

Tobi was sitting on a park bench. There were two ninja beside him, pretending to fish. They would cast their imaginary lines and reel in their imaginary catch.

A park ranger stared at them suspiciously. Finally, he stepped up to Tobi.

"Do you know these people?" The park ranger asked.

"Yes! They are Tobi's friends, Kisame-san and Itachi-san! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi replied cheerily.

The park ranger frowned. "In that case, you'd better get 'em outta here!"

Tobi saluted. "Yes sir, park ranger-san!"

Tobi began rowing furiously.

* * *

A/N: Yeah...Itachi and Kisame are really OOC. Oh well. Reviews and new ideas are my best friends!


	53. Day 53: Talk Shows

_Cue annoying talk show music..._

"HEEEEEELLLLLLLLOOOOO!" bellowed the talk show host. "I'm your host, Orochimaru! And this is....My Next Body!"

The studio audience cheered.

Orochimaru continued. "Our guest today is HIDAN, from Yugakure!" Orochimaru clapped.

Hidan walked out. He squinted his eyes.

"Goddammit, you asshole!" Hidan snarled. "What the fuck is with these blinding lights, seriously!?"

Orochimaru ignored him. "So, Hidan, what makes you think you're capable of being My Next Body?" Orochimaru asked.

Hidan bumped around until he felt a chair. He sat down. "What? I never agreed to be here! You fuckers told me this was the Annual Jashinist Convention!"

Orochimaru hurriedly shuffled through his stack of questions. "Erm...okay, we'll save that question for later. How about this: What is your dream job?" Orochimaru asked.

Hidan sighed. "Hmmm. I guess...I'd want to be a gay talk show host during the day..."

Orochimaru frantically tried to cut him off, but to no avail.

"...and a pedophile during the night." Hidan finished. He smirked at Orochimaru. "Just. Like. You."

The studio audience gasped. Then, they all left, including Hidan.

Orochimaru crawled into a fetal position and sobbed.

* * *

A/N: Yah... this was random. And my spring break is coming to an end. Boo hoo.


	54. Day 54: PMS

It was that time of month again. Konan...wasn't feeling well.

Pein was trying to change a light bulb. But hearing Konan constantly bitch about completely random stuff did not help him at all.

"PEIN?!" Konan shrieked. "Do you _know_ how to change a stupid light bulb?"

Pein gritted his teeth. "Y...e...s..."

"Gawd," Konan muttered. "You're messing up the light bulb."

A vein popped in Pein's forehead. "I'm.....s...o...r...r...y..." Pein stumbled a bit on the ladder.

Konan laughed. "Pein, you are SUCH a retard!" she chortled.

Pein couldn't take it anymore. "Konan, why don't you come and try to change this lightbulb?" he suggested.

Konan got up. "Fine, ya little lady." she smirked. She climbed to the top of the ladder, took the light bulb, and jammed it into the opening. She was, of course, electrocuted.

Pein couldn't believe his eyes. He lauged joyfully. "THERE _IS _A GOD!" Pein yelled, crying tears of joy.


	55. Day 55: Last Names

A/N: I'm watching Chowder as I'm typing. Has anyone ever noticed that Chowder's voice is the same as Alphonse's voice in the original FMA series? Just putting that out there :) I need some ideas, yo! R and R, please!

* * *

"Sasori no Danna...un," Deidara asked. "How come I don't have, un, a last name?" Deidara pouted. "It, un, isn't very fair."

Sasori ignored him. "Go bother Pein. He'll give you a last name."

Deidara immediately ran to Pein's super secret office.

"PEIN-SAMA!!!" Deidara screamed. "GIMME A, un, LAST NAME!"

Pein sighed. "All right, Deidara. Kneel."

Deidara shrugged, and kneeled in front of Pein.

"By the lack of patience and kindness vested in me," Pein intoned, "I hereby dub thee, Deidara PoopyHead."

Deidara blanched. "So...un, my name is now Deidara PoopyHead?" He asked Pein

Pein nodded. "Yes. Now go and bother Sasori."


	56. Day 56: Play Doh

_PLAYDOH! FUN TO PLAY WITH, BUT NOT TO EAT!_

Suigetsu was entranced.

"Sasuke...can I...have...some...play doh?" Suigetsu begged.

Sasuke gave him a strange look. "Why...do you want play doh?"

Suigetsu sang the jingle for him.

_Welcome to a world where ice cream swirls, _

_The Play Doh magic swirl ice cream shoppe!_

_Swirl an ice cream treat with sprinkles and cream, _

_Play Doh magic swirl ice cream shoppe!_

Unfortunately, Suigetsu left out one little detail.

Sasuke's mouth watered. It had been a long time since he had ice cream.

He went to a Shinobi-Mart and bought the Play Doh Magic Swirl Ice Cream Shoppe.

He made himself a sundae and stuck a spoonful into his mouth,

"GACK! URK! BLEGH!" Sasuke choked. "This tastes terrible!"

Suigetsu smiled sheepishly. "Oh yeah...I forgot. _It's fun to play with, but not to eat..._" He sang weakly.


	57. Day 57: Hair

Ten Ten was sick and tired of people taunting her hair.

"Gawd," she muttered. "Is it really my fault my hair looks like this?"

So one day, she stayed in her room, covered the windows, locked the door, and gave her hair a total makeover.

* * *

"Ten Ten...?" Lee gasped. "Is that you?"

Ten Ten smiled inwardly. Maybe the makeover would actually work!

"Ten Ten...?" Neji's eyes went wide. "You look...different!"

Ten Ten was about to burst with pride.

Soon, the entire village was buzzing about Ten Ten's hair. The only person who hadn't seen it so far was Naruto, because as we all know, Naruto doesn't have a life. So he made his way to Ten Ten's home and knocked on the door.

"TEN TEN!" he yelled. "OPEN UP! I WANNA SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!"

Ten Ten opened the door. "Ta-da!" She beamed.

Naruto squinted. "You...wore a hat today?"

"Yup."


	58. Day 58: Scrabble

A/N: Hooray! Board Game Arc!

* * *

Sasuke blew dust off of the top of the box. The box was red and flat, and had SCRABBLE written in italics.

He called his team together.

"Everyone..." Sasuke glared at each of them. "Since we have been having some teamwork problems recently, we will all play this board game, as a FUN and FRIENDLY teamwork building exercise..." Sasuke spat.

"Oh Em Gee!" Juugo squealed. "I just LOVE ScrabbLE!"

Everyone stared at him. Juugo paled. "...er, I mean, BWA!!! I NEED TO KILL!"

Sasuke opened up the board and divided the tiles. "The rules are simple. The more complicated words you put down, the more points you accumulate. Let us begin." Sasuke started by putting down the word 'cat'. He smirked smugly. "I am now in the lead, with five points," he annouced. "You're up next, Juugo."

Juugo thought for a few seconds, and smiled. He put down the word ''antidisenstablishmentarianism"

He quickly added up the points. "By my count, this gives me...297 points!" He patted Sasuke's back. "Don't worry, you'll catch up soon."


	59. Day 59 END OF FEBRUARY!

"Oof!" Temari was brained by a falling object. She dusted herself off and picked up the Unidentified Flying Object. It was a small box of cards, garishly colored.

"Uno?" Temari read. "This looks like it's a card game of some sort." Temari stood there, thinking of what to do with it.

"Hmm. I know! I'll play it with Gaara and Kankuro! Gaara's therapist said he needed some entertainment anyways." Temari made her way swiftly to the Kazekage's room.

"Gaara..." she called out hesitantly. A very irritated Gaara came out.

"WHAT!" Gaara barked.

Temari shakily offered up the Uno deck. "I was thinking...maybe you'd like to play Uno with me and Kankuro."

Gaara's head twitched. Then, ever so slowly, he nodded yes.

---

Temari finished reading the instructions aloud. "Okay, does everyone understand?" She asked.

The two other players nodded yes.

"I'll start." Temari placed a green seven on the deck. Gaara stared at Kankuro.

"Make it blue." Gaara ordered.

Kankuro peered at his younger brother. "How did you know I had a wild card in here...?"

Gaara gave him his most menacing glare. "I said...make it blue."

Kankuro gulped, and placed his wild card on top of the green seven. "Fine. It's blue."

Gaara placed all of his cards on top. " I win."

Temari opened her mouth and was about to say something, but decided against it. She gave a forced smile to Gaara, and began to clear up the cards.


	60. Day 60: Tic Tac Toe

Izumo and Kotetsu were bored out of their minds. Suddenly, Kotetsu had an idea.

"Hey, Izumo!" he said, waving a hand in front of his friends glazing eyes. "Lets play a game of Tic Tac Toe!"

Izumo was suddenly jolted back into reality. "Cool! I'm game!"

They readied their board.

_______  
l__l__l__l  
l__l__l__l  
l__l__l__l

----------------

After three hours, the game was about to end.

The game board looked like this:

_______  
l_xl_ol_xl  
l_xl_xl_ol  
l_ol_xl_ol

Kotetsu refused to lose. So he drew a squiggly line to connect the x's. "Hah! Tic Tac Toe, FOUR in a row!" he crowed.

Izumo frowned disapprovingly. "You know you can't do that!"

Kotetsu pouted. "Says who?"

Izumo held up a paper-bound book the size of an Encyclopaedia Brittanica. "Says the Official Book of Tic Tac Toe!"


	61. Day 61: Chess

Everyone knew that Shikamaru was a beast at Shogi. He could beat an advanced player in less than fifteen minutes, and he could beat a beginner in less than three moves. Shikamaru was loved and revered throughout the five nations as a master of logic...until that fateful day.

Shikamaru was wrapping up his thirty-seventh victory that morning. _It's good to be smart,_ he thought. Suddenly, Naruto popped his spiky head up.

"Hey, Shikamaru!" He waved. "There's a new game out! It's called...Cheese." Naruto nodded self-importantly. "They're having a tournament. Wanna come with me to see?"

Shikamaru sighed. "Fine. As long as it isn't a drag..." he muttered.

--------

The twosome made their way to the village square. A banner was flapping in the wind. "_Chess_ Tournament," Shikamaru read.

Naruto nodded. "Yeah. I meant to say chess."

Shikamaru read the instructions posted underneath the banner. Chess was very similar to Shogi. Shikamaru snickered to himself and signed up for the tournament. This was gonna be a walk in the park.

"Up next...Shikamaru v.s. Choji!" The announcer ...announced.

The match was over in less than a minute. Shikamaru lost.

He demanded a rematch, and lost. He played every person he knew, including a three-month old disabled baby, and lost.

Shikamaru just _could not_ win a game of chess.

Shikamaru was forever disgraced. He crawled into a corner of his room, still clutching a rook, and cried himself to sleep.


	62. Day 62: MASH

A/N: Wow...I can't believe I forgot about Sai!

* * *

Sakura loved a good game of MASH. She was playing a game with herself when Sai sidled up to her.

"You will have....infinity kids?" Sai read off of her half-finished game. "You can't have infinity kids. First of all, it's impossible. Secondly, it's bad grammar. QED." Sai explained in a monotone.

Sakura glared at him. "Screw you!"

Sai smiled. "Certainly!"


	63. Day 63: ERS

"The game," Kiba said, to Hinata and Shino, "is Egyptian Rat Screw." He was about to get out a pack of cards when Hinata cleared her throat.

"Um, Kiba-kun," she blushed. "I don't know how to play."

Shino spoke up. "I don't understand why we're playing this game."

Kiba sighed. "We've got nothing else to do."

Shino shook his head and got up. "You guys do what you guys want to do. I, for one, am not screwing any rats, be they Egyptian, or Non-Egyptian."

* * *

A/N: Huh. I always make Shino way to OOC, for some reason. Oh well. Review, or shoot me a pm with some board games!


	64. Day 64: Mouse Trap

Konohamaru was building the ultimate Mouse Trap. When he was done, he pushed a marble down the slide.

The Mouse Trap clinked and clanked, and finally, the plastic trap dropped on top of the plastic mouse, effectively incapacitating it.

Konohamaru cheered. "Booyah, who da man?!" He hollered. He picked up the plastic mouse and started kicking it around the room.

A real mouse scurried out from a crack in the wall and looked at the Mouse Trap.

"Tch." it snorted. "That's jank, bro."

Konohamaru shrieked, and ran crying to his mommy.

______________

A/N: Ever played Mouse Trap before? It pwns.


	65. Day 65: Mancala

A/N: I forgot to put a disclaimer! Please don't sue me!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto OR Hasbro games!

* * *

Ino sighed. "Choji."

Choji's mouth was full. "Mmph, umph....Yesh?"

"Spit 'em out."

Choji crossed his arms. "Mno."

Ino buried her face in her hands. "Choji," she cried. "How am I supposed to pwn you in Mancala if you keep eating the marbles?!"

Choji shrugged.


	66. Day 66: St Pat's

A/N: The board game arc is on hiatus! Yup. That's right. I'm so lame, I can't even think of any more board games. Ploopy. ANYWAYS...on wi' da story!

* * *

It was St. Patricks Day, and Pein had the perfect gift in mind. He would find a four-leaf clover for Konan.

He went outside and started looking.

FRENCH GUY FROM SPONGEBOB: Five hours later...

"AUUUGHHH!" Pein screamed in agony. "WHY CAN'T I FIND A _SINGLE_ FOUR-LEAF CLOVER, DAMN IT!" Pein began to whine. "All I'm...sniff...asking for is one...sniff...extra leaf!"

And a light bulb went on in Pein's head. "I know!" Pein exclaimed. "I'll just use my GOD POWERS to _make_ a four-leaf clover!"

Pein set a clover on a chair, and proceeded to make elaborate hand gestures at it.

* * *

"Wow, Pein..." Konan gasped. "A four-leaf clover!"

Pein fidgeted nervously. "Er...yeah."

Konan looked at it more closely. "Hey...two of the leaves are smaller than the other two. Pein...?"

Pein pshaw-ed. "Pshaw, Konan, I would NEVER do something like...like _tear one of the leaves in half_. That just isn't right." He started edging towards the door.

Konan arched an eyebrow. "Right..."


	67. Day 67: Shuriken

Pein was giving one of his famous three-hour lectures to Tobi. This time, his lecture was about shuriken.

"And in conclusion," Pein spoke importantly. "Shuriken can be very dangerous to people." He narrowed his eyes. "That means YOU, Tobi."

Deidara heard this and immediately was kneeling in front of Pein.

"Please, un! Please give Tobi some, un, shuriken, Pein-sama!"


	68. Day 68: Hn

A/N: Muchas gracias to KatrinaCrystal, who came up with many faboo ideas!

* * *

Team Taka was standing in front of Itachi.

Sasuke stepped forward. "Hn." he said.

Itachi squinted. "Hn. Hn, Hn. Hn hn Hn, Hn hn. Hn!"

Sasuked gripped his katana. "Hn hn. Hn, hn hn!"

Suigetsu scratched his head. "What the heck are they saying?"

Juugo shrugged. "Beats me."

Karin sighed, making googly eyes at Sasuke. "He looks so HAWT when he says 'hn'!" she squealed.

Itachi smirked. "Hn."

A vein in Sasuke's head bulged. "HN! HN HN, HN HN HN!" He charged at Itachi.

And so, the super awesome showdown of death began.


	69. Day 69: PineSol

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Pine-sol. Darn.

* * *

Kisame was bothering Sasori.

"Wooden-butt, wooden-butt, Sasori has a wooden-butt," Kisame sang.

Sasori was polishing himself. "You say the words 'wooden-butt' again, and you'll be sorry," he muttered.

Kisame wasn't one to give up easily. So he walked by Sasori again and faked a stumble.

"Oh, no," Kisame cried, getting up and brushing himself off. "I almost bumped your...wooden...butt...."

Sasori threw down the bottle of Pine-Sol. "GRRAAHHH! You're just ASKIN' for this!" He began to beat up Kisame.

------------------

After the worst beating of his life, Kisame meeped and ran away.

Sasori sneered and called after him. "That's the power of Pine-Sol, baby!"


	70. Day 70: Pwned II

It was the day after the Academy graduation.

Kakashi looked down at his list of students.

"I have...4 students? Strange..."

Kakashi started taking roll.

"Naruto?"

"I'm here! Believe it! Dattebayo! Sexy no Jutsu! Squee!" Naruto panted. He had a lot of sugar that morning.

"Er...okay. Sakura?"

"Present, Kakashi-sensei, SIR!" Sakura saluted.

"Right. Er...Sah-soo-key?"

Sasuke groaned. "That's SAS-KAY!"

"Oh. My bad. Anita Life?" Kakashi called out. "Anita Life, are you here? Hey...wait a minute...which one of you jokesters put this name on my roll call sheet?" Kakashi demanded angrily.

Anita Life stepped out. She was big and muscular. "Didja say somethin' 'bout my name?" she growled menacingly.

Kakashi sweatdropped. "Er...no, no! Your name is a wonderful name!" he whimpered.

Anita smiled. "Good."

* * *

A/N: Anita Life??? I need a life?? Gawd, am I a hoot or what!? Review and Anita WON'T beat you up!


	71. Day 71: Flashback

Once, when Gai was still a young boy, he stole a green jumpsuit. He was then arrested by a Konoha policeman.

"Sorry, son," the policeman apologized. "I'll have to strip-search you."

"Lemme go!" Young Gai cried. "I'm scared!"

The policeman sighed. "It's Konoha policy. But, no hard feelings, right?"

Gai screamed and sobbed. "NOOOO! I'M BEING TRAUMATIZED!! NOW, I'LL GROW UP WEIRD AND SOCIALLY AWKWARD!"

The policeman ignored him, and began to strip-search Gai.

And thus, Adult Gai was born.


	72. Day 72: Censoring

Hidan woke up to a beautiful, sun-shiny day. Little did he know that one of the things dearest to him would be lost forever.

Hidan walked into the bathroom. The bottle of hair gel was empty. He cursed. "Pineapple! ... ... ...huh?" Hidan tried to curse again. "Bicycle! Tangerine! Basketball! BWAAAAA! Why the fireplace can't I cuss?" he whined.

Tobi stuck his head inside the bathroom. "Hidan-san! Tobi is censoring you!" Tobi gave Hidan a thumbs-up. "It'll help you become a good boy, like Tobi!"

Hidan screamed in agony. "AAAAAUUUUUGGGHHH! TOBI, YOU JUMPING IDIOT!" Hidan tried to explain. "I have to curse! If I don't, my head-"

It was too late. Hidan's head exploded.


	73. Day 73: Circular Reasoning

"Sasori danna, un," Deidara poked the back of Sasori's head. "Do you think my art is good?"

Sasori waved a hand at Deidara. "Yeah, yeah, I think it's a masterpiece."

Deidara pouted. "Hmph, un. You'd say so, even if you didn't think so, right, un?"

Sasori sighed in annoyance. "Well, you'd think so, even if I didn't say so, wouldn't you?"


	74. Day 74: Large Numbers

A/N: Idea comes from Calvin and Hobbes, which BTW, is a pwnsome comic. This day takes place before Itachi murders the Uchiha clan.

Disclaimer:...ION (I own nothing)

* * *

Sasuke tip-toed up behind Itachi. "Nii-san, guess what!"

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Hn."

Sasuke smiled smugly. "Think of a number."

Itachi stared off into space. "Fine. I got it."

"Is it...nine billion, four hundred and seventy five million, three hundred eighty two thousand, six hundred and seventy two?" Sasuke guessed.

Itachi sighed. "By golly, you're absoutely right. Hn."

Sasuke did a double take. "Wait a minute...you're just trying to get RID of me, aren't you!"

Itachi feigned innocence. "No, of course not. Now, go show mom."


	75. Day 75: Accents

Kurenai stared at her ragtag team. They were definitely not ready for the B-rank mission they had just recieved.

"All right, everyone," Kurenai announced. "For this mission, we'll have to disguise ourselves, starting with our voices."

"D...does that m..m..mean that we'll b...be speaking with s...st...strange a...accents?" Hinata stammered.

Kurenai smiled. "Exactly." She began to assign accents. "Kiba, you'll have an Italian accent. Hinata, you'll have an asian accent, and Shino, you'll have a British accent. I'll check up on your progress in thirty minutes."

---------------

Thirty minutes later...

"Okay, Kiba, show me what you've got!" Kurenai said, with high expectations.

"Er...Yes-a, I like-a de cheese-a..." Kiba tried lamely.

Kurenai was not discouraged. "Hinata, you're up next."

Hinata blushed. "Um...mi no spik Engleesh."

Kurenai sighed. She was _so_ not getting that raise. "Okay...Shino, how 'bout you?"

Shino cleared his throat. "Wot wot wot, I say, chaps, this flippin' weather is ratha jolly good, wouldn't ya say, wot wot!"

Everyone applauded. Shino took a bow and sat down.

* * *

A/N: Wow. Frankly, I'm appalled at how lame I can be sometimes.


	76. Day 76: Pwned III

Choji was sent to Sunagakure as a diplomat.

"So, _Choji_..." Gaara rolled the name around in his mouth and spat it out. "Why did Konoha send YOU to be Suna's diplomat?" He looked at Choji distastefully.

Choji thought for a bit. "You see, Gaara," he started to explain. "Konoha sends competent people to competent nations. I am the most incompetent of all, so I was sent to Suna."


	77. Day 77: Strikes

Asuma, Kurenai, and Kakashi were meeting to discuss their rights as Jonin.

"Y'know," Asuma mumbled, taking a long drag on his cigarette. "We should totally get paid more."

Kurenai agreed. "I know! I get paid so little, I wear the same outfit _every single day_!"

Asuma nodded. "So do Kakashi and I."

Kakashi made a suggestion. "We should go on strike."

Kurenai twiddled her fingers together. "Er, I think that might be going too far." She got up. "Sorry, guys, but I gotta go." She left.

Asuma, however, stood in firm approval of Kakashi's suggestion. "Yeah! We'll demand respect!"

"Respect!" Kakashi echoed. He was feeling a little nervous.

"We'll protest our wages!"

"Right!" Kakashi cheered. He was beginning to feel more sure of himself

"And, we'll lobby for better working conditions!"

"YEAH!" Kakashi cried. He was ready. And so was Asuma.

* * *

"NOOO!" Kakashi cried. "You didn't tell me we'd be FIRED!"


	78. Day 78: Preaching

_Ding-dong..._

Hidan opened the door. There, on the Akatsuki Hideout's front step, was a preacher.

Hidan grunted. "Yeah?"

The preacher smiled. "Hello there, young man. I'm going door-to-door preaching about the wonders of Jesus."

Hidan was about to close the door. "Sorry. I'm a Jashinist."

The preacher wedged his foot in front of the door. "Wait! This is perfect! YOU can be my first convert!"

Hidan scowled. "I don't want to worship your heathen God. I'm a Jashinist, like I said before."

The preacher's wouldn't budge. "But, my son!" he exclaimed. "If you belive in Jesus, you get to go to Heaven!"

Hidan tried to close the door, but the preacher's foot stayed wedged between the door and the wall. "I said NO, you heathen prick!"

The preacher waved a packet of brochures in front of Hidan's face. "Here, at least take a brochure!"

Hidan took one. Suddenly, a great gust of wind blew the brochure out of his hands.

"Fuck!" Hidan shrilled. "It's Jashin's wrath! Quick, you heathen, repent and Jashin might give you a quick death!" Hidan ran cowering to a corner.

The preacher shrugged and walked away.


	79. Day 79: Schizophrenia

A/N: I just realized that I hardly included Zetsu in any of these! Oh, Zetsu-chan, I hope I can be forgiven!

-----------------

Zetsu was staring at a raw steak.

"Hmmm," his white side observed. "It does need to be marinated a bit more."

**"On the other hand,"** his black side argued. **"Steak is best eaten in it's natural state."**

"But," the white side added. "The flavor of the marinara would contrast nicely with the tenderness of the meat."

**"However,"** the black side maintained. **"The marinara's sweetness might counteract the sage and parsley seasoning."**

His white side frowned. "Hey, I never agreed to parsley!"

His black side scowled. **"But we already agreed to sage! Sage tastes best with parsley, every idiot knows that!"**

Suddenly, Itachi walked into the kitchen. "Hn," he muttered to himself.

Both of Zetsu's sides burst into laughter. "Haw haw haw! **Itachi's talking to himself!"**


	80. Day 80: Puns

Moegi and Udon were on an F-rank mission. Yep, that's right. They were such bad ninja that they didn't even qualify for a D-rank mission.

Moegi read the mission objective. "It says here that we have to go to the old farmhouse and exterminate the two weevils that live there."

Udon shivered and sniffed up the snot that was threatening to leak out his nose. "Urgh. I can't stand weevils. They're so gross." He began scratching his butt.

Moegi sighed. "Yeah..."

The two made their way to the old farmhouse. They saw the two weevils. One was big and fat, the other was small and skinny.

"Which one are we gonna kill first!?" Moegi asked eagerly.

Udon rolled his eyes. "Obviously, we should kill the small weevil first."

Moegi stared at hiim. "Why?"

Udon sighed at Moegi's ignorance. "Don't you know that in a situation such as this, one must pick _the lesser of two weevils?_" he asked patiently, as if educating a mentally-challenged toddler.

Moegi nodded. "Oh."

* * *

A/N: Sorry guys, I just couldn't resist! I'm an avid pun-collector!


	81. Day 81: Growing Up

Gai, wearing his skin-tight jumpsuit, was wandering about Konoha, looking for people to give his "Youth is Power!" speech to.

A mother looked at him suspiciously. She whispered to her adorable little son, Rock Lee.

"Don't go near it, Lee!" The mother cautioned. "You might catch its weirdness!"

Lee saluted. "Yes, Ma'am!"

* * *

TEN YEARS LATER...

Lee's mother sighed. How could all of her teachings have gone so wrong?


	82. Day 82: Poetry

Maya Angelou was reading her poem, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" to a large crowd of poetry fans.

Neji was among them, holding up a "I heart Maya" sign.

"Omigosh!" Neji squealed. "I love that poem!"

* * *

A/N: Yeah...caged bird? Neji? Did ANYONE get that besides me? *Giggles*


	83. Day 83: Tests

A/N: Hey, this MAY BE my last entry 'till May. Ideas/suggestions/constructive criticisms are ALWAYS welcome!

* * *

Deidara chewed on his pencil's eraser. This god-forsaken test was so hard!

_3. If Sally has 3 books, and she lends Harry 3 books, how many books does Sally have now? Show your work._

Deidara suddenly had the answer.

_3. If Sally has 3 books, and she gives Harry 3 books, how many books does Sally have now? Show your work._

_DEIDARA'S ANSWER: If Sally LENDS Harry, un, three books, then she still has, un, three books because, un, if she lends them, then they, un, are still hers._

_---_

The teacher called Deidara up to her desk after the test was over.

"Why do you write 'un' after every few words?" She asked him.

Deidara shrugged dismissively. "Oh, un, it's just a force of habit, un."


	84. Day 84: Hypocrisy

It was the first day of school. Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, and co. were all sitting in seats in front of Iruka.

Sakura raised her hand. "Iruka-sensei, are there any rules for your class?" she asked, getting out a notepad and pen for future reference.

Iruka cleared his throat. "Ahem. Yes. The first rule is, NO YELLING IN THE CLASSROOM!" he yelled.

Sakura arched an eyebrow. "Er, Iruka-sensei...isn't-"

"YES?" Iruka bellowed back at her.

Sakura did the smart thing this time, and stayed silent.


	85. Day 85: Hygiene

Orochimaru was in a shinobi-mart, pondering what to buy.

"Hmmm," he hmm-ed. "Should I buy laundry detergent or deodorant?"

Kabuto shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Either way, you'll still smell funky."

Orochimaru gasped. "Why, you little-" He broke off in mid-sentence and sniffed.

"..."

Orochimaru quietly put both items in his cart.


	86. Day 86: Boggle

A/N: I would have updated sooner, but I'm almost done with NeoQuest II. I embrace my inner nerd. This is a continuation of the board game arc.

Kakuzu needed money. He had invested all of his money in McDonalds, and since McDonalds doesn't exist in the Naruto Universe, well, he was out of luck.

"Hidan," Kakuzu slammed a boggle game onto the coffee table of the Akatsuki Hideout. "I challenge you to a game of Boggle!"

Hidan glanced at it. The game didn't seem so hard. "You're on."

Kakuzu shook the box of word cubes. "The game is simple. Find as many words as you can. Winner gets infinity dollars."

Hidan readied his pencil.

"GO!" Kakuzu flipped the plastic hourglass. The letters were arranged like so:

F U C K

S H I T

H E L L

D A M N

Kakuzu chewed on his pencil's eraser. Being the old nerd that he was, he didn't recognize any of the words. His paper looked something like this:

WORDS 

1. it

2. a

Hidan blinked. Boggle was one of the easiest games he'd ever played. His paper looked a little like this:

WORDS 

1. fuck

2. shit

3. hell

4. damn

After giving Hidan his last infinity dollars, Kakuzu curled up into a fetal position and cried.


	87. Day 87: Sorry!

A/N: I like: Reviews, candy, reviews, writing, reviews, music, reviews...Oh! Did I mention I like reviews? That is all.

Pein, Konan, Kisame, and Tobi (In other words, the only Akatsuki members still alive) were playing Sorry!. It was Kisame's turn to roll.

"Yes! I rolled a six!" Kisame cackled. "One, two, three, four, five...SIX!" His blue piece bumped Pein's red piece back to the start.

Pein began to twitch. Meanwhile, Kisame was still victory-dancing.

"I beat Leader-Sama, I beat.." He noticed Pein's twitching. "Er...he he, I...uh...beat...er...well....hmm..." Kisame was suddenly very interested in a crack in the floor.

Pein's twitching gradually lessened.


	88. Day 88: Underweight

Sakura and Ino were comparing their underweight teenage bodies like they always did.

"Ehmagawd!" Ino shrieked. "This month, I've lost infinity pounds!" She pointed to her waist. She was thinner than the starving children in Haiti.

"Ohemgee!" Sakura shrilled. "This month, I've ALSO lost infinity pounds!" She twirled around once to show off. She was thinner than the starving children in Libya.

As they were boasting about how many miles they ran every day, Sai walked past them.

Sakura giggled. "Fatty!" She pointed at Sai.


	89. Day 89: Pavement

Kakuzu stood before the gates of Heaven. He rubbed his hands together in anticipation; soon, very soon, he would be living the life of his dreams.

God was about to push open the gates, but Kakuzu stopped him.

"Mr. God, sir?" he inquired. "I thought I was allowed to bring a carry-on bag to Heaven." He gestured to the suitcase sitting beside him.

God consulted his handbook. "Hmmm...er...yeah, one carry-on bag per entree. Okay, what's in your bag?"

Kakuzu quickly spun the 16 digit lock and opened the suitcase. "See?" He pointed proudly. "I sold all of my most precious possessions and bought this lump of solid gold!"

God snorted. "You brought _pavement_?"

Kakuzu's jaw dropped, and erupted in a fit of cursing that got him sent to Hell.

A/N: School is over soon! Hooray! And if you can't find enough kindness in your heart to review, at least give me some ideas. ^.^


	90. Day 90 END OF MARCH!

A/N: I'm starting a new arc...the New Inventions Arc! Wo0t!

Ever since texting had been introduced into the Hidden Leaf Village, all the young ninjas were talking in text-language.

Kakashi was rather jealous. All the cool people understood text-language, yet he did not. Kakashi gasped to himself. He was still cool, right? Or was the bad-ass mask not enough?

Kakashi ran to the library and checked out a text-language dictionary. He ran home and started studying.

THE NEXT DAY:

Sakura groaned. "Oh em gee, like, is Kakashi sensei STILL not here?"

Naruto shrugged. "I dee kay."

Suddenly, Kakashi jumped out from behind a rock. "TTYLROFLMAOL8RG8RLYLASOMGLOL!" he blurted out.

Everyone stared.

Kakashi felt rather uncomfortable. "Er...G2G!" He ran away, sobbing into his mask.


	91. Day 91:Television

Sasuke ran up to his father. He looked very excited.

"Father, I read that the average Konoha family watches 7 hours of television every day," Sasuke said in a cute chibi voice.

His father looked at him strangely. "Hn...that's nice..." He went back to his Sports Illustrated.

Sasuke tugged on his sleeve. "But you never watch TV, Mother never watches TV, and Itachi never watches TV either!" He continued to tug.

His father sighed a very emo sigh. "And...?"

"So when I come home at three o'clock, I should get to watch TV all the way to ten o'clock, right?" Sasuke grinned happily.

Sasuke's father swatted Sasuke's hand away. "No." he answered flatly.

Sasuke's jaw dropped. "Do you want us to be _sub-average?_"

Itachi burst into the room. "_S...Sub-average...?_" he twitched. "Uchihas are NEVER SUB-AVERAGE!" He grabbed the remote and started watching Glee.


	92. Day 92: Ghettoness

A/N: Chockitta is awesome. Go read her stories...XD. I thought that I'd be updating a ton once school ended, but tennis is starting to get in the way of that...I don't mean to brag, but I am now the 179th best tennis player in the Missouri Valley region...hehe.

...

Kakuzu was listening to one of Pein's three-hour lectures. This time, the lecture was on piercings. Kakuzu was shamelessly helping himself to the complimentary cookies. After cramming four of them in each cheek, he grabbed the rest and stuffed them in his suitcase of money.

"Why you always be actin' ghetto? Get yo'self a propa' e-ju-ma-kay-shun, kid!" Pein snapped.


	93. Day 93: Wood

A/N: This idea was from the Naruto Abridged Series. They are funny. :P

* * *

Naruto was chasing after Sasuke. "I will bring you back to Konoha!" Naruto shrieked. "BELIEVE IT!" He bawled angstily.

Sasuke was worried. Naruto was gaining on him. "Substitution no Jutsu!" he yelled, as Naruto's arms closed around him. Naruto suddenly found himself holding a piece of wood.

"Frick!" Naruto cried. "Why do I keep mistaking these blocks of wood for people?"

_Sometime later..._

Sasori was worried. Sakura was gaining on him. Deidara was flying high overhead. "Danna, use a substitution jutsu!" he called out.

Sasori shot him a venomous glare. "You _idiot_," he growled. "I'm _already _a piece of wood. What difference would it make?"


	94. Day 94: Showdown of Death

Western music played in the background. Karin, Ino, and Sakura were about to fight the battle of the century. Over Sasuke. Thousands of wildly cheering fans screamed for their favorites.

Karin was the first to make a move. She grabbed a shuriken, but in the process, broke one of her fake nails.

"SQUEAL!" Karin squealed. "I gotta go make an appointment with my thumb manicurist!" (1) She ran away.

Now, it was between Sakura and Ino. Ino tried to tackle Sakura, but tripped on her 6-inch stilletos on the way. She fell into a pile of doggie boom boom.

"SHRIEK!" Ino shrieked. "Grody! I need hand sanitizer!" She also ran away.

Sakura was the only one left. But before she noticed this, she realized something else.

"SCREAM!" Sakura screamed. "Ohmigosh, I'm sweating! I need a soothing mud bath!" She ran away as well.

Sasuke was sitting on a throne overlooking the battle. He wept.

* * *

(1) Karin has a manicurist for every finger. Just sayin'.


	95. Day 95: Queer

It was inspection day in Konoha. The village inspector was ...inspecting stuff, to make sure that they were up to par.

He had just finished inspecting Ichiraku's ramen stand. He was just about to leave when he remembered that he had to inspect the Hokage's hiring policies.

Tsunade was in the middle of a conversation with Danzo when the inspector came in.

"Wow!" The inspector nodded approvingly, looking at Danzo's bandages. "Hiring disabled people is very admirable." He jotted some notes down.

Tsunade puffed out her rather impressive chest. "I know," she huffed.

The inspector looked through his papers. "If he's gay, Konoha will be eligible for a 25,000 dollar grant from the Ruhdagpah!"

Tsunade looked confused. "The...what?"

The inspector explained. "You know, Ruhdagpah! The Random Disabled And Gay People's Association, RDAGPA for short."

Tsunade could almost feel the money in her hands. "Well...he _is_ pretty queer..."

Danzo looked at Tsunade rather accusingly. "I AM-MNPH!"

Tsunade had put her hand over his mouth. "See, he agrees!" she yelled. "Now gimme the money!"


	96. Day 96: Oink

It was a slow day for the delivery ninjas in the post office, until Ton Ton trotted in.

The mailmen gasped and stood there, wondering when the Animal Control would take care of this minor violation of the Konoha animal safety laws.

Finally, one of them was brave enough to speak. "Er...S-sir- I mean, m-ma'am...er...oh, screw this. Whaddya want?" he snapped.

Ton Ton farted in the direction of the telegraph machine.

The mailman pointed. "You want to send a telegram?"

Ton Ton oinked, though it came out sounding like another fart. The pig slid a page of paper across the floor, towards the mailman.

The mailman read the page out loud. "Hmmm...Oink. Oink oink, oink. Oink, oink. Oink. Oink oink."

Ton Ton farted happily. The mailman took an aspirin. "Well, Ton Ton, there are only nine oinks on here. You could send another oink for the same price." he informed Ton Ton.

Ton Ton looked confused. (Which is very hard to do for a pig, by the way.) "But that wouldn't make any sense at all!" Ton Ton exclaimed.

But all the mailman heard was 'ooooiiiinnnnnkkkk!' So he added an 'ooooiiiinnnnnkkkk' to the telegram.


	97. Day 97: Butt Cheese

A/N: This day takes place when Orochimaru, Tsunade, and Jiraya are still all living in Konoha. Reviews are desperately wanted!

* * *

Orochimaru was well on his way to becoming Hokage. It was nearing the election period, and he had just finished writing his candidate speech. Suddenly, he felt an urge to go eat ramen. So, he left the speech on his desk and ran to Ichiraku's.

This was what Jiraya had been waiting for. He tip-toed into the room, and erased all of the speech's nouns. Then, he replaced them with the words, 'butt cheese'. He then tip-toed out of the room.

_Time Skip..._

It was Hokage Election Day. Sarutobi, AKA the Third Hokage, was presiding over the festivities.

"Up next, we have candidate #69. Let's all give a hand to...Orochimaru..." Sarutobi stifled a yawn.

"Thank you, thank you! No, no, please! Sit down! My, what a crowd we have here today!" Orochimaru spoke cheerily to the completely silent audience of 20 people.

"Erm...ok. I will now begin my speech!" Orochimaru fished out his speech. Without even reading over it, he began to talk.

"My good butt cheeses! Today, butt cheese will be talking to butt cheese about how butt cheese really deserves the title of Butt Chee- hey, wait a minute! This isn't my speech!" Orochimaru turned deep red.

But it was too late. Everyone in the audience was booing and Sarutobi was glaring at him.

Orochimaru ran down from the stage, sobbing his eyes out. Jiraya snickered happily. All was going according to plan...


	98. Day 98: Mustaches

A/N: This was formerly chapter one. I replaced chapter one with a better one-shot.

* * *

"Lee...?" Ten Ten gasped.

Lee was sporting a huge bushy mustache. "Yes! Isn't it so... YOUTHFUL? It matches my youthful eyebrows very youthfully, right?" He squeed.

Ten Ten sighed. These things happened a lot, ever since they were students at the academy. "Lee, how old are you again? 13?" Ten Ten asked.

Lee beamed "Yes! 13 is a very YOUTHFUL number, is it not?"

Suddenly, Neji walked by them, and noticed Lee's mustache. He looked with...could it be..._jealousy,_ in his eyes? "Lee? How did you get such a bushy mustache?"

Lee glomped him and started to sparkle. "YOSH!" He said, clinging onto Neji's back. "That is the best compliment I have recieved all day!"

Ten Ten slowly walked away.

"My mustache is not as bushy as my father's," Lee spoke with much emotion. " but someday, I hope it becomes as bushy as my mothers!"

"Urk..." Neji slowly walked away as well.


	99. Day 99: Potty Mouth

A/N: Eternal Gratitude goes to Master Solo, who gave many awesome reviews. *glares at non-reviewers*

* * *

"Fuck!" Hidan yelled. He had just stepped on one of Deidara's bombs. He unleashed a few more expletives as his foot was blown off.

Pein was not pleased. "Starting now, cursing in the Akatsuki Super Secret Hideout is now ILLEGAL." he decreed.

Hidan gasped. He did NOT want the events in Day 72 to be repeated. So he started brainstorming some ideas on how to cuss...without cussing.

_Sometime later..._

_"_Damn!" Hidan shouted. Pein came running. "I thought I outlawed all cursing..." Pein glowered. He was already thinking up cruel and unusual punishments for Hidan.

Hidan smirked. "I didn't do anything wrong. I was just saying 'dam' as in beaver dam."

"I'll be watching you..." Pein snarled. He melted into the shadows, in a very cool and evil-ninja-y way.

Hidan smiled. He decided to try some more. "Cunt!" Pein came running. "-inue!" Hidan finished.

"Hell!" Pein came running. "-o!"

"Fuck!" Pein came running. "et, Thailand! (1)"

"Shit!" Pein came running. "zu puppies!"

Hidan was about to say 'douche' when Pein, gasping for breath, stopped him.

"Hidan...you can curse again..." Pein doubled over in pain, panting and wheezing like an old man.

* * *

(1) There is a city in Thailand called Phucket. Believe it or not. And in case you didn't get the other ones, they were: continue, hello, Phucket, and shitzu.


	100. Day 100: Pipe Bomb

Kankuro chewed on his fingernails nervously as he dialed Temari's number. There was a pipe bomb floating in his toilet, and he didn't know how to disable it.

Suddenly, Temari picked up the phone. "TEMARI!" Kankura screamed. "THERE'S A BOMB IN MY TOILET!"

Temari sighed. "Calm down. Grab a pair of scissors, and cut the red wire in half"

Kankuro started crying. "BUT ALL THE WIRES ARE BLUE!" he wailed.

* * *

A/N: You have just finished reading the 100th day XD. This calls for a celebration! Don't forget to review!


	101. Day 101: Deidara Dies

A/N: Possibly the last update until the middle of July. But, I _might_ be persuaded to update sooner...*cough* _reviews_ *cough*

* * *

Pein was not pleased. Yet another member of the Akatsuki had died. Even though Deidara was a gender-neutral butt head, Pein still missed his fighting abilities and his pecan pies. _Especially_ the pecan pies.

Venting his anger, Pein gathered the remaining Akatsuki members. "Since Deidara is now gone," he annouced. "You will now take over his chores."

There was a collective groan. Pein ignored it. "Kisame, make the beds. Zetsu, go shopping for groceries. Konan, make me some pie. And Tobi...you can sit in that corner and protect this pebble." Pein threw a small rock at Tobi, who immediately stuck it in his eyehole for safekeeping.

"Aw man, we never should've put that scratch n' sniff at the bottom of our pond!" moaned Kisame dejectedly.


	102. Day 102: Internal Organs

A/N: Review!

* * *

Jiraya and Kakashi were having an in-depth conversation about love.

"Kakashi," Jiraya rubbed his non-existent goatee. "True love comes from your heart."

Kakashi peered at Jiraya strangely. "Why are you so obsessed with my internal organs?"


	103. Day 103: Death

A/N: I might be able to sneak in a few more updates today and tomorrow. But remember! Reviews=Faster Updates!

* * *

Kimimaro waited anxiously as his doctor analyzed his symptoms.

"So, Doc," Kimimaro asked. "How long do I have to live?"

The doctor looked at him with pity in his eyes. "Ten."

Kimimaro was confused. "Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks?"

The doctor sighed. "Nine, eight, seven..."


	104. Day 104: Deafness

Jiraya was beginning to suspect that Tsunade was going deaf. So one day, he stood across the room from her and shouted, "TSUNADE, CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

There was no answer.

Jiraya stepped a few feet closer. "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" He screamed.

Still no answer.

Jiraya was very worried now. He stepped forward and stood right next to Tsunade. "TSUNADE, CAN YOU HEAR ME _NOW?_"

Tsunade glared at him. "For the third time, YES!"


	105. Day 105: Relations

Hana Inuzuka was sitting in a random psychologist's waiting room. She had something terrible to confess.

The receptionist waved her in. She sat down in the random psychologist's office.

"Now, Miss...Hana, what seems to be the problem?" The random psychologist asked.

Hana turned red. "Well...I'm a doctor, and I have had...er, _relations_, with some of my patients."

The random psychologist gave her what he thought was a kind, fatherly smile, but actually looked like a constipated baby's grimace.

"That's okay, lots of doctors do that," he reassured her.

Hana shook her head dejectedly. "No, you don't understand," she mumbled. "I'm a vet."


	106. Day 106: Talking Dogs

A/N: Hurrah! I have finally updated again! And by the way, you should check out the fic that me and Yuniz are co-authoring: The Terrible Lunchtime of Doom. May the Funk be with you.

* * *

One of Kakashi's ninja dogs was lying listlessly on the ground.

"I'm bored," he whined. "When is Kakashi going to summon us again?"

Pakkun's eyes widened. "Holy crap!" he exclaimed. "A talking dog!"


	107. Day 107: Pwned IV

A/N: Since nobody got this chapter...I changed it completely. Happy reading!

* * *

Choji was in Tsunade's office, complaining of stomach pains. Tsunade was pretty sure it was food poisoning, but she had to double-check.

"Choji, I'll have to put a little camera in you, so I can see inside your stomach and intestines," Tsunade warned. "You may feel a little discomfort."

Choji obedientlly opened his mouth.

Tsunade chuckled. "Guess again."


	108. Day 108: More Insanity

A/N: Yeah...the last one was kinda weird. But I hope this one is better!

* * *

Itachi was on trial for murdering his entire clan, but since he was broke, he couldn't afford a lawyer. A good one, that is...

"Don't worry, Itachi-san! Tobi is a good lawyer!" Tobi smiled. Itachi sweat-dropped.

Tsunade cleared her throat. "Does the defense wish to enter a plea?"

Itachi stood up. "Yes. I would like to plea insanity."

Tsunade looked skeptical. "Does the defense have any evidence of insanity?"

Itachi answered immediately. "I hired HIM to defend me." he pointed an accusing finger at Tobi, who was doodling flowers and cupcakes on his legal pad.

Tsunade banged her gavel without a second thought. "Plea accepted. Defendant sentenced to 40 years of therapy."


	109. Day 109: Obstacle Course

A/N: If you are reading this, then you should check out my other story, The Terrible Lunchtime of Doom. Review?

* * *

Sarutobi, AKA the 3rd Hokage, was watching as academy students completed an obstacle course. The first one to complete it was Sasuke. (Of course...he IS a genius, after all!)

Sarutobi nodded in satisfaction. "He edged out my old record by 2 seconds!"

Iruka gasped. "Wow, reall-"

"And 17 minutes."

"Er..." Iruka peered at the 3rd Hokage.

"And 14 hours."

"..." Iruka twiddled his thumbs uncomfortably.

"But don't worry, Iruka!" Sarutobi assured him. "I intend to finish someday!"


	110. Day 110: Mixed Nuts

A/N: Virtual cookies go to Etsunara, Zorva, MizzGirlyGirl0, EmilehBonnet, DREbrokenAMS, and xXCandy333Xx for reviewing!

* * *

It was mission time at the Akatsuki hideout, and Pein was busy giving out assignments.

After everyone had left, Tobi was still sitting in front of him.

Pein peered down at him. "Whaddya want, Tobi?" he snapped.

"Tobi wants a mission, Leader-sama!" Tobi begged. "Tobi is a good boy!"

Pein thought for a moment, then got out a bowl of mixed nuts.

"Fine, Tobi. Your mission is to mix these nuts." Pein ordered.

"But Leader-sama!" Tobi gasped. "These nuts are already mixed!"

Pein glared at him. "They are not. I see two almonds touching."


	111. Day 111: Gloves

A/N: I saw this joke online...I HAD to use it!

* * *

Minato and Kushina had been dating for a few weeks now, and Kushina's birthday was coming up. So, Minato decided to buy her a pair of gloves. But by accident, the clerk mixed up the pair of gloves with a pair of underwear. Minato didn't notice, and wrapped up the present along with a letter he wrote.

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,  
Minato

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.


	112. Day 112: Cartoons

A/N: Some ideas would be nice...Just saying. :)

* * *

Asuma and Kurenai watched disapprovingly as their teams laughed at the violent and expletive-filled cartoons they were currently watching.

Asuma sighed. "This 'Tee Vee' thing is going to make our students evil and disturbed."

Kurenai shook her head. "Children don't become evil and disturbed just by watching TV. Give Kakashi some credit too!"


	113. Day 113: Cartoons continued

Asuma and Kurenai were sick and tired of their students watching the mindless violent and expletive-filled cartoons they always watched. So, they decided to form an anti-TV organization.

"From now on, we shall be known as the TART!" They proclaimed to the heavens.

Kiba stared at them. "What the [expletive] is wrong with you [expletive] people?" He demanded. "You [expletives] are making me miss my [expletive] TV show!"

Choji glared at them. "Go [expletive] yourself, [expletives]."

Asuma ignored their expletives. "TART- Teachers Against Rude Television." He grinned, breaking the remote in half.

"Our goal is to eradicate these mindless violent and graphic cartoons you watch all the time!" Kurenai chirped happily, punching a hole in the television.

Shino stared at the ruined TV set. He twitched, then roared in anguish.


	114. Day 114: Encyclopedias

A/N: So... You've survived this far? Damn. I changed the summary, for those of you who didn't know :)

* * *

Shikamaru, after the embarassing incident in Day 61, decided to become the smartest person in the entire Naruto Universe.

"Shikamaru, whatcha doin'?" Ino asked.

He looked up at her with baggy and sleep-deprived eyes. "Reading the Encyclopaedia Brittanica."

Ino gasped. "Wow, what article are you on now?"

Shikamaru gave a weak smile. "I just finished reading about 'AAA'. I'll be moving on to 'Aardvarks' now."


	115. Day 115: Deer

A/N: I updated. Huzzah. I was too busy playing Tap Tap revenge on my I-Pod...which, by the way, if you happen to have a TTR account, ADD ME! THE FUNK COMMANDETH THEE! And this Day is a pun... but I thought it was kinda funny...:)

* * *

Two deer stood by the giant pit where Hidan's dismembered head was still tirelessly shouting expletives.

"I'm gonna fucking cut your damn head off, you smartass bitch!" Hidan's head screamed and sobbed at the same time.

The first deer peered into the hole. "What the heck is he saying?" he asked the other deer.

The other deer shrugged. "Honestly, I have no i-deer..." he muttered.


	116. Day 116: Revival

A/N: Idea is ChocolateAngelSan's, only I kinda changed it...

* * *

Sasuke looked into the dark sky as he contemplated his horrible life. Suddenly, a shooting star whizzed by.

"I wish the Uchiha clan would be revived," Sasuke sighed angstily.

Nothing happened. Crickets chirped.

Sasuke shrugged and went home.

_THE NEXT MORNING..._

Sasuke woke up and went to his usual training grounds. The area was usually empty except for himself. Today was different, however.

"Hn. You lack hatred." a voice muttered. It was Naruto. His spiky porcupine hair had been replaced with spiky duck-butt hair.

"Hn. I want to avenge my family." Sakura glared at everyone. "Whoever gets in my way shall perish."

"Hn. Youth will fade, and everyone will die." Lee was scribbling furiously in a little notebook entitled "Emo Poetry".

Sasuke screamed. "NOOOOOO! I WISH EVERY UCHIHA IN HERE WOULD DISAP-"


	117. Day 117: Bugger

A/N: 11k hits. I fricking love you guys. Best wishes go to ThePencilKnight, candice, wekickass16, elfenwindakachrno, ThE sLeEpInG DrEaMeR, littleangel123, Mary Song, MissMeijoe, Etsunara, MasterSolo, Emileh Bonnet, xXCandy333Xx, ChocolateAngel-san, choocolic, Zorva, mizzgirlygirl0, DREbrokenAMS, DonPianta, Amaya Sakaruta, chockitta, Yuniz, Master DV, KatrinaCrystal, and Kaharri for reviewing! If I owned anything other than my computer, I'd totally give it to you all.

* * *

"Shino, you look excited today!" Kiba looked shocked. "What happened?"

Shino was almost bursting with pride. "I...have done the impossible." He held up his finger. A miniscule speck was on the tip.

Kiba squinted. "What? Did you discover a new species of dirt?"

Shino shook his head pityingly at his dimwitted teammate. "No. I have managed to train a bug. I'm going to show Tsunade. Maybe she'll give me a prize or something."

Kiba's jaw dropped. "Wow! Can I come with you?" he pleaded.

Shino sighed. "Fine."

_ONE BORING WALK TO THE HOKAGE'S OFFICE LATER..._

Shino and Kiba were standing in Tsunade's office. Tsunade would be back at any minute.

Shinio held up a magnifying glass. "I'll give you a sneak peek. Mini-me here can do all sorts of tricks!"

Kiba looked through the lens. "Wow! It's standing on it's front feet!" he gasped in amazement. "Oooh! It's balancing on a speck of dust now!"

Shino smirked smugly, just as Tsunade came in.

"Now, what were you going to show me, Shino?" Tsunade asked.

Shino began his long pitch. "You see, Lady Tsunade, I have achieved one of the greatest feats imagin-"

Tsunade broke him off. "S'cuse me. There's a bug on my desk." She slapped it dead in less than a second. "Now, what were you saying?"

Shino stood there. He trembled a bit. Kiba slowly edged out the door, not wanting to witness the scene that would follow.


	118. Day 118: Fic

Deidara and Sasori were arguing about art again. Only this time, it wasn't "art" as in painting. It was "art" as in writing.

"Obviously, my one-shots are better, un!" Deidara said loudly, pointing to the screen. "Stories are better when they end quickly, with a BANG, un!"

Sasori rolled his eyes. "You idiot, everyone know that the long, chapter fics are the better of the two." he glared at Deidara. "Stories are better when they go on for a long time."

Deidara flipped him off. "I don't care, un, because I have 100 reviews on my most popular one-shot!"

Sasori crushed one of Deidara's clay birds. "I happen to have 100 reviews on my most popular chapter story."

While they were arguing, Tobi quietly logged on HIS fanfiction account. He squee-ed.

Deidara and Sasori abruptly stopped arguing. "Tobi, what is it?" Deidara snapped.

Tobi danced around the computer. "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi's one-shot chapter fic has 200 reviews!"

"..."

* * *

A/N: A/N: Yay! 100 reviews! Time to make a fanfiction-themed day...


	119. Day 119: The B word

"Hmph." Tsunade grumbled, slacking off as usual. "If it weren't for me, this place would fall into ruin."

"Of _course_, Tsunade-sama..." Shizune remarked dryly. "Of _course_ it's your complete inability to do paperwork that keeps Konoha running smoothly."

Tsunade blushed modestly. "Nah. The big boobs help too."


	120. Day 120 END OF APRIL!

A/N: I'm 1/3 of the way through! But I'm kinda running out of steam, so I might rename this fic "Half a year in the Naruto universe" or something...XD

* * *

"PEIN!" Konan screamed, tears flowing freely. "HIDAN'S CALLING ME A BITCH!"

Pein sighed and took two aspirin. "Hidan, you can't call a lady a bitch. It's not polite."

Hidan thought. "Er... can I call a bitch a lady?"

Pein shrugged. "Sure."

Hidan giggled deviously and turned to Konan. "Goodbye, _lady_."


	121. Day 121: Diary

As Naruto was leaving for his two and a half year training pilgrimage, Sakura suddenly grabbed his shoulder.

"Naruto, wait!" Sakura pleaded. "I have to tell you something!"

Naruto stopped. "What is it?" he asked. _Oh boy! _He thought _I bet she's going to pledge her undying love to me!_

Sakura hesitated. "Er... I'll miss you!"

_Darn. _"Erm... anything else?" Naruto inquired hopefully.

".. I just wanted to say that I never read your diary." Sakura said in a hurry. "Even though you suspected me of it in your second entry last Friday."

"..."


	122. Day 122: Nightmare

A/N: Etsunara's idea! XOXO to her!

* * *

Itachi woke up. His head had fallen into his bowl of Lucky Charms.

Kisame looked at him, concern on his face. "Itachi, are you sleeping properly?"

Itachi wiped some marshmallows off his face. "Actually... I have been having nightmares for the past week and a half."

Kisame's eyes welled up with chibi tears. "Aw! Poor Itachi! What kind of nightmares?"

Itachi hesitated. "... ... ... Sailor Moon." he finally muttered. "I... am scared of magical school girl uniforms."

Kisame stilfled a giggle. "Don't worry, Itachi-san!" he glanced at the tape recorder in his lap. "Your secret is safe with me, I promise!"

* * *

Nerd #1: Quiet, you! I'm bidding on an audio tape!

Nerd #2: An audio tape? What's it about?

Nerd #1: It's rumored to contain Itachi confessing his fear of Sailor Moon!

Nerd #2: Oh em gee! I must have it! *Gets laptop out*

Nerd #1: Ha ha, noob! You shall suffer defeat!

*commence bidding war*


	123. Day 123: Stutter

A/N: Master Solo's idea! XOXO to her as well! If you have ideas, no matter how crappy, tell me... pwease?

* * *

Iruka was angry. His students never paid him any attention and he was disgracefully unrespected among the teaching community. He was so angry, he was developing a stutter.

One day, as Naruto was cheating off of Sakura's paper and not even attempting to hide it, he cracked.

"Y-Y-Y-YOU! GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!" Iruka shrieked. The pencil he was gripping sizzled in his iron grasp.

4 people stood up.


	124. Day 124: Canoe

A/N: Another one of Etsunara's ideas. See, you ARE funny! And I KNOW fish can't give you the finger, but oh well.

* * *

The Akatsuki were having a "teamwork-building weekend". In other words, they were cooped up in a tiny cabin in the middle of a lake.

It was time for Happy Fun Canoeing Time. Leader tried to demonstrate the art of the canoe, but failed epically.

"Here." He threw them their paddles and stormed off in a huff. "Figure it out yourselves." He then hid behind a bush and prepared to laugh his butt off at the others' fails.

To his surprise, everyone was managing to stay above the water. That is, except for Kisame.

"Fuck, dude!" Hidan jeered as he rowed circles around him. "You're a fucking fish, and you can't _paddle a boat_?" He pointed at Zetsu, who was aimlessly drifting in his vessel. "Even the walking aloe vera can do it!"

Tears flowed down Kisame's eyes. "I can't help it!" he sobbed, pulling himself out of the water for the 5th time. "Stop making fun of me!" Kisame sank below the waters. He would have to find solace with his fishy friends.

A freshwater bass swam by him. Kisame smiled at it. It gave him the finger.


	125. Day 125: Budget

*bbbrrrrriing*

Naruto picked up the phone. It was the bank.

"Mr Uzumaki, sir," the nasal voice on the other end droned. "You have insufficient funds in your bank account."

Naruto shrugged. "I know I'm broke. You didn't have to call."

The voice continued. "You currently have 5 dollars in your account. We will have to charge you a ten dollar fee."

"Wait..." Naruto's face scrunched up in thought. "You're charging me... _for being poor?"_

"Yes sir."

"So this means I'll have negative five dollars in my account now?" Naruto asked.

"Yes sir. Have a nice day." The line went dead.

*bbbrrrrriing*

Naruto picked up the phone. It was Choji.

"Naruto!" Chewing was heard on the other end. "Come on over to Ichiraku's! It's Free Ramen Day!"

Naruto sighed dejectedly. "Sorry, Choji, but I can't afford free ramen. My budget right now is negative five dollars."


	126. Day 126: Hygiene

A/N: This day is sorta-kinda based off of one of Candice's ideas. Candice- YOU NEED TO GET A FANFICTION SO I CAN THANK YOU PROPERLY!

* * *

"THAT'S IT!" Tsunade screamed. "I'm sick and tired of Konoha's lack of hygiene!" She punched a hole through her desk.

Shizune sighed and left to buy a new desk.

"Starting today, nobody shall wear the same clothes two days in a row!" Tsunade bellowed to an empty room.

Kakashi suddenly appeared in front of her. "Lady Tsunade, I have a problem with this new law."

Tsunade scoffed at him. "And what might it be?"

"Well," Kakashi showed her his empty wallet. "You don't pay me anything. So I can only afford one uniform"

Tsunade scowled. "Fine, I'll give everyone in the village a ten percent raise."

Kakashi groaned. "So tell me then; what's ten percent of zero?"

"Hmmm..." Tsunade got out some scratch paper and a calculator. "Let's see here... yes... carry the zero, and you get..."

"IT'S ZERO, YOU FUZZBAG!" Kakashi shrieked. "AND IF YOU DON'T GET RID OF THIS IDIOTIC LAW, _SOMEONE_ IS GONNA GET HURT!" He pointed at Tsunade.

"Someone?" Tsunade thought. "I sure hope it ain't me."


	127. Day 127: Chaotic

A/N: School starts in 334 hours and 57 minutes! T_T

* * *

"Mister Leader Sama sir!" Tobi whined. "Tobi would do ANYTHING to be in the Akatsuki!"

Pein was reading his uncensored 'art' magazines. "Fine. Kill that mosquito on the wall there."

Tobi squinted. "Is the mosquito bad?"

Pein thought. "Well, he isn't bad. He's definitely not GOOD either..." Pein scratched one of his numerous mosquito bites. "I suppose he's sort of chaotic neutral."

"Then Tobi refuses!" Tobi pouted. But nobody could see the pout, as it was behind his mask.

"Why?" Pein growled. "Konan, go get me some anti-itch cream."

"Tobi will only kill bad things!" Tobi crossed his arms indignantly.

"JUST HURRY UP AND KILL THE GODDAMN UNALIGNED MOSQUITO!" Pein shrieked. "AND IN CASE YOU FORGOT, _YOU'RE A VILLAIN AS WELL_!"

Tobi gasped. "But... but... TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

[see day 42]


	128. Day 128: Drugs

A/N: This was in a comic strip I read. Only I changed it. A lot. xD

* * *

"Hmph." Jiraiya huffed over his ramen.

Naruto finished his third bowl. "Pervy sage, what's wrong?" Naruto frowned. "As your student, I have an obligation to be nosy in all of your personal affairs!"

Jiraya sighed. "Our government is a drug pusher."

"Oh..." Naruto quietly pushed away his noodles. "What gives?"

"Infrastructure!" Jiraiya ranted. "Sewage systems, paved roads, running water, public transportation!"

Naruto shrugged and continued to eat.

"I didn't want any of it! I shouldn't have to pay for any of this!" Jiraya vented.

"Then stop using it all." Naruto said, watching Jiraiya wash his hands... with running water.

Jiraiya whimpered. "I can't, man! It's in my veins, my veins!"


	129. Day 129: Environment

Sai was purchasing an art eraser at the shinobi-mart.

"That'll be 50 cents." the cashier rang up his purchase.

Sai gave her his trademark smile and handed over two quarters.

He was about to leave when the cashier began furiously handing him reciepts.

"Here's how much you paid, here's how much you would've paid at another store, here's how much you saved, here's a survey you can take to evaluate my performance..."

Sai's smile disappeared as the mountain of paper grew higher and higher.

"Here's my boss's phone number, here's his fax, here's his email, here's a coupon for any future art eraser purchases, here's my business card, and here's a form in case you want to join our frequent buyer club." The cashier took a gulp of water.

"Er..." Sai looked at the pile of paper. "Can I get a bag?"

The cashier gasped and shook a finger at him. "You're supposed to bring your own. Don't you care about the environment at all?"

"Er..." Once again, Sai looked at the pile of paper. "I guess not."


	130. Day 130: Rock

A/N: Etsunara's idea. I lol-ed.

* * *

"Hmph." Gaara arrogantly tossed his head at the 500th enemy ninja he had killed that day. "Pitiful excuses for human beings." He said, in a manner reminiscent of Sasuke.

"3hmag4wd!" A Gaara fangirl squee-ed. "G4ara- k3wn! 1 lyk3, wuv ur h4w7ness!"

Sneering, Gaara fist-pumped to the heavens. "I AM INVINCIBLE! NOTHING CAN DEFEAT ME, FOR I AM... GAARA!"

The fangirl suffered the world's first simultaneous heart attack, stroke, and nosebleed. She died.

Gaara walked away, only to trip over a rock and scrape his knee. He immediately suffered a fatal infection.

The enemy leader gasped in amazement. He reverently picked up the rock. "All hail Rock-sama, the new leader of our nation!"


	131. Day 131: Idiocy

"You have the right to remain silent." Kakashi growled menacingly at the escaped convict. It was his first job as Anbu captain, and he sure as heck wouldn't be messing it up anytime soon. "Anything you say can and will be used... as a... er... hmm..."

Uh oh. Kakashi's brain froze. He gave an imploring look at his teacher, Minato.

Minato coughed. "Ahem, _as proof of my idiocy, _ahem."

"Right." Kakashi gave him a thumbs up and continued. "Anything you say can and will be used as proof of my idio... OH, VERY FUNNY."


	132. Day 132: Crizzle

It was Christmastime at Konoha, and all the Jonin were giving each other presents. And yes, ninjas celebrate Christmas.

"Asuma..." Kurenai held out a gift. "I got you something."

Asuma took it. "Urk...snork." He was already wasted from all the sake and cigarettes. "Wazzinet?" He opened the gift. "Crizzle mef?"

"You gave Asuma... crystal meth?" Kakashi peered at Kurenai strangely.

"Well, Kakashi," Kurenai smiled. "I know the best gifts are ones that are handmade."


	133. Day 133: Beans

A/N: Once school starts... I probably won't update a lot. This wasn't my idea... I found it on some obscure joke site. Muaha.

* * *

During the 2.5 year training arc, Naruto and Jiraya wanted to save money. So they often ate the cheapest food they could find, namely, canned beans.

Every morning, Naruto would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his teacher's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days!" Jiraya always warned him.

After a particularly bad week, Jiraya decided to have his revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the sleeping bag next to Naruto's bum.

While cooking up another can of beans, he heard Naruto's usual morning fart reverberate throughout the forest clearing followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken Naruto sat down next to him.

"You were right, Jiraya!" Naruto gasped. "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"


	134. Day 134: Underwear

The third Hokage was visiting Tsunade for his yearly checkup.

"We're all done here, Mr. Sarutobi," Tsunade made some important medical notes on her fancy doctor's clipboard. "But I'll need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample."

"What? What did you say? What do you need?" Sarutobi, being the old man that he was, had a hard time hearing things.

Tsunade sighed. "I need your underwear."


	135. Day 135: Genie

"Ah... This is the life." Naruto opened up his fourth bag of instant ramen noodles. Only this time, instead of finding food in the bag, he found a genie.

"NAH-ROO-TOE OO-ZOO-MAH-KEY!" The genie boomed. "I SHALL GRANT YOU ONE WISH."

Naruto gasped. "Sweet!" He thought for a few seconds. "I...I want the ability to shoot ramen from my fingertips!"

The genie shook his head sorrowfully. "I'm afraid I cannot do that. Some things just aren't possible."

"Hmm..." Naruto thought for a few more minutes. "Then... I wanna become Hokage!"

The genie looked at Naruto uncomfortably. "Er, what was your first wish again?"


	136. Day 136: Moon

As Kiba was usually slacking off, playing with his dogs, he usually failed the Academy's exams. However, once in a blue moon, he would get a barely passing score.

"Hey, guys!" Kiba ran over to Naruto and the gang. "I got a 59.51 on my test! I passed!"

Shikamaru's head slowly tilted towards the sky.

"What's wrong, Shikamaru?" Choji asked him. "Are you looking at clouds again?"

"Nah..." Shikamaru sighed. "Just lookin' for a blue moon."


	137. Day 137: Eyesight

A/N: I didn't know 9th graders had so much homework. :\ And Yuniz wouldn't let me copy hers. :\ But anyways...

* * *

"Could it _be_?" Kakashi gasped, his face pressed against the store window. "The newest edition of Icha Icha Paradise?" He drooled.

Naruto harumphed. "Kakashi sensei, keep reading those books and you'll go blind one day."

"Er, Naruto?" Kakashi tapped his shoulder. "I'm over here."

Naruto turned away from the brick wall he had been talking to and squinted at Kakashi. "Granny Tsunade? What're you doing here?"


	138. Day 138: Right

"Kakashi..." Obito gasped, laboring for breath. "I won't live much longer... so take my eye."

"No!" Kakashi cried. "You'll live, Rin'll fix you up!" Kakashi looked expectantly at her.

Rin surveyed the damage. Obito's left side was completely crushed.

"Eh..." She shrugged. "He'll be all right."

* * *

A/N: Pun. Yay.


	139. Day 139: Candy

A/N: Anyone watching the US Open? No? Only me? Hmph.

* * *

"Ino," Sakura stated, her eyes set in a steely stare. "The battle for Sasuke has gone on for too long."

Ino nodded. "I agree." She stared back thoughtfully. "We need to resolve this in a civilized manner."

"Which is why..." Sakura pointed at Ino. "I challenge you to a lady's duel!"

"A lady's duel?" Naruto peeked from behind a nearby topiary bush. "What's that?"

"Dunno." Sasuke peeked beside him. "However, I would like to see Sakura and Ino make fools of themselves, which is why I will stay and watch."

"I will support Sakura with all my youthfulness!" Lee cried, sparkles coming right on cue. "She'll finally realize her youthful love for me!"

"Fine by me." Naruto offered a set of binoculars to Sasuke and Lee.

Meanwhile, Ino and Sakura were sitting cross-legged on the ground, taking various items out of a mysterious pink box.

"CandyLand!" She growled, slamming the dice onto the ground. "Winner takes all!"

"Bring it on!" Ino sneered.

"What the hell!" Naruto exclaimed.

"_This_ is a lady's duel?" Lee gasped.

"Oh, God." Sasuke groaned.

"I like porn!" Kakashi interjected.

"YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS!" Tsunade screamed from her 3rd story office window.


	140. Day 140: Going Nuclear

"You're next assignment..." Pein boomed. "Is to nuke Konoha."

"Nuke Konoha?" Kisame's eyes crossed as he did some mental math. "But Leader sama, by my calculations, the Akatsuki are almost three thousand years away from that kind of technology!"

"Hn." Itachi agreed.

"Perhaps this stick will help you accomplish your assignment faster." Pein held out a sizeable oak branch.

"Well..." Kisame looked dubiously at the wood. "I don't really know how that's going to-"

"HURRY! UP! NOW! GOD! DAMMIT!" With each word, Pein whacked Kisame with the stick.

"BEFORE! I! RINNEGAN! YOUR! SORRY! ASS!" Pein screamed. The branch broke in half. Itachi breathed a sigh of relief.

The next day, Kisame limped out of the Akatsuki hideout, dragging a nuclear missile behind him. Itachi walked emotionlessly behind him.


	141. Day 141: Ramen

A/N: All credit goes to Master Solo. She's... smarticle.

* * *

After the embarassing bean incident (see Day 133), Naruto and Jiraya decided to go with the next cheapest food they could find: Instant ramen.

"Ah," Naruto looked cheerfully at his bag of noodles as he sat down at a random diner. "It never gets old."

Jiraya moaned. It was their 42nd day living off of MSG-filled oily wheat product.

The proprietor of the shop glared at them. "Youse folks can't eat your own food in here!"

Jiraya grinned. "Well, Naruto, looks like we'll have to order something else!" He began inspecting the menu. "So many choices! Ice cream? Dumplings? Bubble tea?"

"I wanna stay here!" Naruto demanded, and switched their bags of ramen. "See, I'm not eating my own food anymore!"


	142. Day 142: Melon

A/N: Once again, this is Master Solo's idea. I just made it more pervy.

* * *

"Kiba, what's taking you so long?" Naruto demanded, looking at his watch. "It's time to go to school!"

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, Naruto," Kiba yelled from inside his house. "I need to get my lunch out from the fridge."

Choji walked up to Naruto. "Hey, is Kiba ready yet?" He groaned as his stomach gurgled. "I'm starving..."

"Hm..." The cobwebby gears of Naruto's primitive brain began to turn. _If Choji knew Kiba was packing his lunch, he'd waste a bunch of time trying to sneak a taste! _Naruto shook his head. "He's saying goodbye to Hana."

Just then, Kiba joined them, an irritated frown on his face. "Sorry I took so long, guys, but those big stupid melons kept getting in the way!"


	143. Day 143: Finishing

A/N: The last couple of chapters have all been about food. *nom nom nom*

* * *

"That idiot," Tsunade grumbled, idly flipping through the self-help book Jiraya had gotten her. "How dare he call me 'angry'? I'm _very_ happy, dammit!" She punched a hole through her desk.

As her eyes scanned the page, one line in particular caught her interest.

"Hm... Finish everything you start." Tsunade murmured. "I'll give it a try."

_That night..._

Jiraya sadly walked through the bar, as not a single female had sought his companionship. Suddenly, his eye widened; the well-endowed woman sitting next to him looked familiar.

"Tsunade?" He ventured. "What're you doing here?"

Tsunade looked at him, a groggy grin on her face. "Jiraya!" She slurred. "You... were right!"

"What?" Jiraya scooted a few inches farther from her.

"Finish ev'rything you start!" Tsunade giggled, downing another glass of sake. "I've finished 5 cups of sake, one tub of ice cream, and 17 poker games, and lemme tell ya, I feel _fantastic_." She started on a bottle of whiskey.

Jiraya decided that it was best for him to leave before things got out of hand. "Er, right, I think I hear Naruto calling me..." He beelined towards the exit.

"Where'ya goin', hot thang?" Tsunade giggled after him. Fortunately, before she could make any more rash decisions, her head hit the table and she passed out.


	144. Day 144: Tea

Tsunade looked at Shizune thoughtfully.

"Lady Tsunade?" Shizune inquired. "What is it?"

"Oh.." Tsunade pondered. "I was just wondering what it'd be like to do your job for a day."

Shizune gasped. "Really?" She bowed. "Lady Tsunade, it would be an honor for us to trade jobs for one day."

"Deal." Tsunade cast her paperwork aside and stood up. "So... what am I supposed to do?"

Shizune was already busy with paperwork. "Dunno. You can go make me some tea."

"Yes ma'am!" Tsunade saluted.

_Just outside the Konoha Gates..._

"Holy crap!" The Sound nin gasped to his partner. "Will ya take a look at that?" He handed over his binoculars.

"What?" His partner snapped, grabbing them. He took a look and gasped. "Oh my God! Who is she?"

"I dunno," The first ninja shrugged. "But she must be a heck of a powerful ninja. The Hokage makes her tea!"


	145. Day 145: Glasses

A/N: Um... vote in my poll. :D

* * *

"This is for Sasuke!" Sakura's fist beelined towards Kabuto's face.

"Wait!" Kabuto choked out. "Haven't you ever heard of never hitting a person with glasses?"

Sakura stopped. "Yes, I have."

"Then why'd you try to-" Before Kabuto could finish, Sakura knocked out his front teeth.

"Never hit a person with glasses... hit 'em with your fist." Sakura remarked.


	146. Day 146: Pwned V

"Hidan," Pein looked down at him from his high-and-mighty desk. "I'm sorry to say this, but you're crazy."

"What the fuck?" Hidan spluttered. "I want a second opinion!"

"Fine. You're also ugly." Pein smiled.


	147. Day 147: Scythe

Kakuzu looked at Hidan. He was prancing around the Akatsuki base, showing off his brand new scythe.

"Hidan," Kakuzu gasped, looking enviously at his new weapon. "How'd you get that scythe? I thought you were broke."

"Well," Hidan smirked. "At first, I prayed to Jashin for a new scythe. But then, I realized that Jashin doesn't work that way. So, I stole a scythe and prayed to Jashin for forgiveness."


	148. Day 148: Homework

Hinata opened her front door. It was Naruto.

"Hey, Hinata!" He grinned. "I'll give you a hundred bucks if you do my homework!"

"Er..." Hinata blushed crimson. "Sure, Naruto."

Naruto handed her a 20 pound box of papers, labeled NARUTO'S HOMEWORK, and ran off, whispering "Thanks, Hinata!".

Neji walked up behind her. "Who was that?"

Hinata set the box down and sighed happily. "Oh, just Naruto."

"Naruto?" Neji frowned. "That jerk owes me a hundred bucks!"


	149. Day 149: Teachers

A/N: ... School is hard. So I might update less and stuff. D:

* * *

"For the LAST TIME," Iruka screamed at his students. "GO BACK TO YOUR SEATS AND BE QUIET!"

Naruto scowled. "Stupid teacher."

"Stupid teacher?" Sakura frowned. "How's Iruka sensei stupid?"

"He spend years teaching us how to walk and talk," Naruto pouted. "Then he yells at us to sit down and shut up."


	150. Day 150: StudyBuddy

A/N: I am currently Asian-failing Physics and Precalc. So, I will post an extra long chapter to make up for any past and future delays. This day is based off of something my Precalc buddy said. :D

* * *

"_A...a... 97%_?" Sakura whimpered, eyes welling up with tears. "_I only got... a 97%_?"

Naruto looked at his paper, marked 'F- SEE ME AFTER CLASS' in big, red pen. "A 97%'s not bad, Sakura," he muttered, crumpling up his test and throwing it away in a nearby gutter. "You got an A. That stands for awesome."

Sakura glowered at him. "Obviously," she sneered. "You aren't familiar with the Haruno grading scale."

"Haruno grading scale?" Naruto's interest was piqued. "What's that?"

"A stands for average, B stands for below average," Sakura continued. "C stands for crap, D stands for death, and F stands for- hey, Naruto, you don't look so good." Sakura peered at him.

Naruto was on the verge of tears. "SAKURA!" he sobbed. "I'M SUCH A FAILURE!"

Iruka patted him on the shoulder. "Naruto, it's all right."

"R...really?" Naruto looked at his teacher hopefully, his face stained with snot and tears.

"No." Iruka frowned. "You'll be attending remedial tutoring five days a week, starting tomorrow. Meet your new tutor." He gestured to Gai.

Gai gave him a sparkling smile. "Greetings, Naruto! We'll have _so_ much fun together, learning about logarithms and hyperbolic equations!"

"NOOOOO~!" Naruto woke up with a start. He looked around him; he'd fallen asleep in class again. "Whew... thank God _that_ was a dream..." He sighed.

"Ready for your first tutoring session?" Gai's face was inches from his own. "I brought you a youthful study-buddy!" He stepped back to reveal Lee, in all of his geeky glory.

"NOOOOO~!" Naruto sobbed, as the classroom door slammed shut.


	151. Day 151: END OF MAY!

A/N: Ever read 'Get Fuzzy'? You should. Ever do my poll? You should.

* * *

"For the last time, Kankuro, the quote 'those who forget history are doomed to repeat it' doesn't mean failing a history class!" Temari sighed as Kankuro glared stubbornly back at her. "It means we should remember the past, so we don't make the same mistakes our ancestors did!"

"That's dumb." he retorted, tossing his head up. "I didn't remember when I was born, so that means I'll be born again? Nonsense." He crossed his arms, looking very proud of himself.

Temari groaned. "Why do I still try to teach you these things?" she rolled her eyes at Kankuro.

"Dunno." Kankuro shrugged. "It's almost like you're not learning from the past, or something."


	152. Day 152: Pr0n

A/N: Idea comes from Mastersolo. ='.'=

* * *

_First day of school._

"Children," Iruka looked into the eyes of the innocent children he was about to teach. "Jutsu... is like porn."

Hinata gasped and fainted. Sasuke suddenly felt an urge to cut his wrists. Shikamaru snored away, while Choji munched on his chips. Sakura nodded and began to take notes.

"Iruka sensei," Naruto asked. "Why is jutsu like porn?"

"Well, Naruto," Iruka explained. "Both are hard to define."


	153. Day 153: Apologies

"You know," Sasori thought. "From now on, I'm going to apologize to everyone I've insulted, by saying 'I'm sorry you were offended'."

Deidara frowned. "Why's that, un?"

"Because," Sasori sighed at his partner's ignorance. "It allows me to retain the original insult, while tacking on the _bonus_ insult of 'you are a whiny and oversensitive piece of turd-crap'."

"Oh." Deidara pondered this. "But, wouldn't it be sorta rude, because you're kinda saying the other person is too dumb to get it, un?"

Sasori rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry you were offended."

"Apology accepted, un!" Deidara grinned.


	154. Day 154: Heart Problems

A/N: I haven't updated for 8 days. Because... I've been studying. :D Maybe I should make this count for three days, cos technically, this takes place in the span of three days. Hm.

_

* * *

_

Two days ago...

"Ah..." Asuma sighed, taking a drag on his cigarette and stuffing a Ho Ho into his mouth. "This is the life. Smokes, fatty snacks.." Suddenly, his face froze, contorted in pain.

"What's wrong?" Kurenai gasped.

"I... I think I'm having a heart attack!" Asuma wheezed

_One day ago..._

Tsunade double-checked the straps on Asuma's heart rate monitor. "This'll start beeping when you're heart rate becomes abnormal," she explained. "I know it's hefty, but who knows- maybe, it'll save your life someday."

"Right..." Asuma rolled his eyes. Tsunade glared at him, and the monitor began beeping wildly. "...Please don't hurt me..." Asuma whimpered.

_Present day..._

"What's that giant thing on your uncle's chest?" Naruto asked, while Konohamaru shuffled some Uno cards.

"Just some heart rate monitor junk." Konohamaru shrugged. He dealed Naruto some cards.

Naruto nodded sagely. "Oh." He looked at his hand and sighed. Not a single wild card.

Suddenly, the two genin heard a beeping sound.

"BLWAHGUR!" was Naruto's elegant response. He jumped up, leaving his Uno deck forgotten on the floor. "Konohamaru, is your uncle having a heart attack!"

Konohamaru shook his head. "Nah. It just means his heart rate's up. Maybe he's excited or something."

"We should go get Kurenai sensei!" Naruto whined. "This could be serious!"

"You 'tard!" Konohamaru rolled his eyes. "She's up there with him right... _oh, knock it off, you two!_" he bellowed at the celing. "Other people live here too, ya know!"


	155. Day 155: Research

"When conducting research," Jiraya began, "You should keep an eye out for women with tattoos. Are you writing this down, Naruto?"

"Yes sir, Pervy Sage!" Naruto saluted. "But why tattoos?" he asked, listening carefully and taking notes.

Jiraya chuckled. "Because then, you know she's a girl capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future."


	156. Day 156: Money

Sarutobi beckoned to Konohamaru. "Grandson... come here. I have something to tell you."

Konohamaru's eyes shined. "What is it, Grandfather?" he asked.

"Remember," Sarutobi wheezed. "Money isn't important; you should watch your health." His chest heaved as he fell into a coughing fit.

"YES, SIR!" Konohamaru promised tearfully. "I won't let you down, Grandpa!"

_A week later..._

Konohamaru stepped down from the treadmill and grabbed an apple. _Gee_, he thought. _Watching my health sure is hard. But I can't let Grandfather down! _

"If I cannot run ten more miles, I will do 400 more jumping jacks!" Konohamaru shouted, in a way that would've brought tears to Rock Lee's eyes. His piggy bank lay discarded in a dank corner of his closet. After all, he was too busy watching his health to watch his money.

Sarutobi snickered as he crept into his grandson's room. "Sucker!" he crowed, sneaking out the window with the piggy bank under his arm.


	157. Day 157: Teh Froggy

A/N: THE PLOT! IT'S TAKING OVER MY LIFE! DAMN YOU, NEOPETS! DAMN YOU AND YOUR ADDICTIVE COMMUNITY-BASED ACTIVITES! Idea comes from Bob-The-Rock. Who rocks. Srsly.** EDIT: I forgot to post part of it. So if it sounded kinda weird at the end... yeah. My bad.**

* * *

Hiashi glared at Naruto. Naruto cheekily smiled back.

"F-father, we're just roommates," Hinata ventured. "I-I swear, we aren't doing a-anything-"

"Shaddup." He grunted, getting up. "You. Blonde Boy. If you do anything, and I mean _anything_ to my daughter, I'll know."

Naruto held up a bowl. "More potatoes, Mister Hyuuga?"

"I've got to go." Hiashi stomped out the door, slamming it behind him.

_The next day..._

"Hinata, did you see my nightcap?" Naruto rifled through the junk piled up in his closet. "You know, the froggy one? I can't find it anywhere..."

"N-no," Hinata twiddled her fingers together. "I'm sure it'll t-turn up soon."

_The next day..._

*see previous day

_The next day..._

*see previous day

_The next day..._

"That's IT!" Naruto growled. "I haven't gotten a SINGLE good night's sleep since my nightcap disappeared. I'm sending that Hiashi a letter."

Five minutes later, Naruto scowled his way down to the post office and shoved his letter into the face of the unfortunate mailroom worker who was on duty.

~~Dear Hiashi-san,

I'm not saying you DID take my froggy nightcap, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take my froggy nightcap. But it's been missing ever since you came over for dinner.

-Naruto~~

_The next day..._

Naruto was woken up by a sobbing Hinata.

"Naruto-kun, I don't think we should continue being roomates," she sniffled, handing him a letter addressed to a certain Naruto Uzumaki. "I'm leaving this afternoon."

Opening the letter, Naruto's blood froze in his veins.

~~Dear Naruto,

I'm not saying you DO mess around with my daughter, and I'm not saying you DON'T mess around with my daughter. But if Hinata were sleeping in her own bed, you would've found the froggy nightcap a lot earlier.

-Hiashi~~


	158. Day 158: Pedo Patrol

A/N: THE PLOT! IT'S TAKING SO LONG FOR THE NEXT STEP TO BE POSTED!

* * *

"Naruto," Sakura eyed him and his group of lackeys suspiciously. "What're you up to this time?"

Sai answered for him. "WE'VE FOUND A PEDOPHILE!" He shouted happily, eliciting stares and glares from the various mothers who were out shopping with their children. "We're going to go bust him right now!"

"Really?" Sakura leaned in closer. "How did you find this.. pedophile?"

"We went on a chat room under the name 'Hokagedattebayo'!" Chouji whispered excitedly. "There was this weird dude named 'MklJksn1955' who kept asking other people how old they were!"

Shikamaru yawned. "He also asked us where we lived."

"He invited us over to his house today too," Kiba grinned, cracking his knuckles. "Boy, is he in for a rough time!"

"I... I.." Sakura thought of the millions of innocent children around the world. "I'M COMING WITH YOU!"

Naruto grinned. "Here's your anti-pedophile device." He handed her a taser.

_Later..._

Naruto winked at his motley crew and rang the doorbell.

"Hokagedattebayo? Is that you?" Rock Lee poked his head out the door.

"Damn!" Kiba gasped. "Is it just me, or are pedophiles getting younger and younger?"

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "Get him."


	159. Day 159: Giant Orange

A/N: I updated twice. In a week. Oh em gee!

* * *

"Look at Tobi and his fucking orange head!" Hidan chortled, stuffing a Jashin-shaped cookie into his mouth. "It looks like a big, fat, swirly-"

Deidara gasped. "_Shut up_, un!" He shook his head wildly. "We don't talk about that here!" He dragged Hidan up and shoved him out of the kitchen, where Tobi was baking muffins.

"What the hell was that for?" Hidan glared at Deidara menacingly. "Why, if Jashin didn't outlaw the killing of transvestites, I'd-"

"No!" Deidara frantically shushed him. "Now, do you wanna hear the story behind Tobi's head or not, un?"

Hidan's eyes widened. "You mean there's a fucking stor-"

"It was a long time ago, un," Deidara began, eyes darting nervously for any sign of eavesdroppers. "By the way, I heard this story from Sasori, so it-"

"Just get on with the fucking story," Hidan snarled.

Deidara flipped his hair. "Gawd, un, you're such an impolite... er... ANYWAYS, Tobi had apparently created a jutsu that could grant him any wish he had, anything in the whole world, un."

"Are you fucking serious?" Hidan sighed dreamily, already imagining all the maiming and torturing he would have wished for. "Yes, Jashin-sama, I'd love to hack Kakuzu into-"

"MOVING ON, un," Deidara continued, ignoring Hidan's gory fantasies. "He wished for wealth first, and the next day, he won the Fire Country Lottery, un."

Hidan dismissed the idea immediately. "Pft. Dumb wish."

"Then, he wished for ultimate power, un." Deidara glared at Hidan. "Very soon, he was unbeatable in both taijutsu and ninjutsu, un."

"..." Hidan pondered this wish. "Better." he nodded, ignoring Deidara's evil eye.

Deidara sighed, giving up. "'m hesitant to tell you this, un, but finally, Tobi wished for a giant orange head."


	160. Day 160: Aprons

A/N: This was all by Shinzui Ookami. None of it's mine. I just felt like I had to update. 0.o XD

* * *

Itachi stood over Sasuke, wearing a pink frilly apron. It was a very menacing pink frilly apron.

"Make the cookies" he commanded, sharingan eyes glinting dangerously in the fluorescent lights of the kitchen they were in.

"Noooo!" Sasuke yelled. Itachi reached over and forced Sasuke into a pink apron of his own decorated with little hearts and flowers.

"You are weak. Why are you weak? Because you lack the proper apron" Itachi repeated the whole time.


	161. Day 161: Commercials

A/N: I haven't updated in forever. What fun! The idea for this chapter's from Dragon Rider-II.

* * *

Neji looked warily about himself and pulled his hat down to hide his face as he entered the crowded, noisy waiting room.

"Er..." he paused at the receptionist's desk, making sure to keep his face obscured. "Is this the waiting room for the Pantene smooth and silky TV commercial audition ?" he whispered, trying to keep his voice down.

"What?" The receptionist . "I can't hear you, speak up." She rolled her eyes and went back to her Cosmopolitan. "Hmph. These foreigners... "

"I _said_," Neji took a deep breath, steadying himself. "Is this... the waiting room... for the Pantene... smooth and silky... TV COMMERCIAL AUDITION?"

The receptionist nodded, flicking a booger onto a poor and unsuspecting janitor who was passing by. "Would you like to try out? I'll need to know your name."

"_Neji... Hyuuga," _Neji mouthed. "And would you mind keeping your voice dow-"

"If you'll please take a seat, Mr. Neji Hyuuga, we'll be right with you." The receptionist loudly interrupted him.

Three heads whipped towards Neji. Three pairs of eyes narrowed at the unlucky Hyuuga. And three voices growled the same words.

"Neji..." Sakura, Ino, and Itachi frowned. "What are YOU doing here?"


	162. Day 162: Business

A/N: The idea for this chapter's from Shinzui Ookami. I need to start thinking of ideas or something. :P

* * *

Pein groaned as Hidan unleashed yet another string of the filthiest curse words he'd ever heard. Something had to be done.

"Hidan." Pein calmly punched the Jashinist in the gut. "I will be enacting a new rule, starting today."

"Fuck!" Hidan yelled. "What is it with you shitty bastards and your fucking rules?"

Downing another two aspirin, Pein sighed and continued. "To curb your unnecessary and vulgar speaking habits, I have taken the liberty of creating an official Akatsuki Swear Jar."

"You fucking retard!" Hidan shrilled. "I'm more broke than Sasori's shittiest puppet-"

"Then the payment will be deducted from your scythe fund." Pein set down a large jar in front of Hidan. "Three 'fucks', two 'shits', one 'bastard', and one 'retard'. That's a total of... sixty three cents."

"What the h-h-heck?" Doing some quick mental math in his head, he broke down and started to sob. "WHAT KIND OF F-F-FRICKING BUSINESS ARE YOU RUNNING?"

"Hey, my business is legit." Kakuzu poked his head out of a nearby closet. " One ninety nine for a gram, dawg. Two dorrah for a ho'."

"That's one 'ho' for you, Kakuzu." Pein smiled to himself. "That'll be five cents."


	163. Day 163: Underlings

A/N: A couple of months ago, I was watching Futurama, and they had this episode about Leela's singing boil, which was named Susan. I just now got the joke. It inspired me to write this.

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It was a few days after Ebisu rejected Naruto when the jonin finally realized the possible perks of having an all-powerful fox spirit as a student. Thoughts of power, riches, grandeur, and ladies swirled around in his head for days. _Naruto's a pretty dumb kid, _he reasoned. _He'd listen to anyone who bothers to tell him what to do._

Ebisu knew what to do.

"Hey, Naruto~!" Ebisu sang as he gave Naruto a hearty slap on the back that sent the boy flying face down into the pavement. "I've decided to do you a favor and be your teacher~!"

Picking himself up off of the sidewalk, Naruto glared at him. "You turd. I don't need you to become Hokage!" His eyes misted up as he continued to talk. "I've already found the best teacher ever."

"Oh, really?" Ebisu scowled. "And who would this... _best teacher ever_ be?"

"Jiraiya!" Naruto sighed dreamily. "He's letting me be his lackey!"

Ebisu sighed, shaking his head. "Don't you know what a lackey is, Naruto?" He continued. "It means you have to do whatever he tells you to do. You'd be his ass-kisser. A mere servant. A second-class citizen. Just a drudge. You'd be better off working at McDonalds."

"But...b-but..." Naruto's innocent eyes blinked back tears. "I thought.. I thought that-"

"There, there," Ebisu handed Naruto a frilly handkerchief. "Tell you what: If you become my student, I'll let you be my underling, how does that sound?"

Naruto's tears and snot instantly vanished. "I get to be an _underling_?" He jumped up and beamed at Ebisu. "A promotion? You won't regret this, Ebisu-sensei!"


	164. Day 164: Surprise Butsecks!

A/N: Wow, I haven't updated in two weeks. I feel lazy and whatnot. ^^

* * *

"Wow, what is it, Deidara-senpai?" Tobi gasped, as Deidara walked by, carrying a telephone-like machine.

Deidara grinned deviously, plopping down the machine in front of his partner. "It's a speaker un. I've placed tiny microphones in Itachi and Kisame's rings. I'm gonna use it to spy on that Uchiha twerp and his fish stick, un!" He adjusted several dials on the machine and put the reciever to his ear.

Tobi sidled up to him. "Can I-"

"No, un." Deidara grunted flatly. "Don't bother me. Go smoke some weed, or whatever it is you idiots do these days, un."

Tobi dejectedly walked away.

"Yes, un!" Deidara cackled, as he twisted a knob a little more. Itachi's voice suddenly filled the reciever.

"-_and then, I have to go to Konoha to capture a jonin who allegedly has information on the Nine-Tails_-" Itachi's voice cut off as Deidara flipped a switch.

"Gawd, un. Itachi's boring." Deidara frowned as he tuned into Kisame. "Let's hope the fish is more interesting.

"-_what? I've just arrived at Konoha_!" Kisame's voice crackled over the speaker. "_I'm planning on_-"

Deidara giggled. "What a coincidence, un!" he snorted. "What's Itachi up to now, un?"

"-_finger's bleeding because that jonin put up more of a fight than I thought he would_-"

"Bor-ring!" Deidara sang, as he switched back to Kisame. "C'mon, Fishy, gimme something interesting here, un!"

"-_weird, 'cos I bought a whole bag of band-aids, y'know, the really absorbent ones_-"

Deidara quirked an eyebrow. "Strange... but interesting nonetheless. Continue, Itachi!" He tuned into Itachi once again.

"-_so my cloak ripped. I'm going to the Shinobi-Mart to get a new_-"

"-_nyways, I'm in the dressing room at the Shinobi-Mart_-"

"-_just going to take a shower; it's been a pretty long day and my eyes are more strained than usual_-"

"-_really excited! I get to test out my new binoculars in a couple of minutes! I can't_-"

"-_recieved a message to meet him at the small alley on the corner of 8th and Main street at midnight_-"

"-_and I didn't want too much friction, so I bought a tub of vaseline_-"

"Oh, my God, un," Deidara's face convulsed. "Dammit, Tobi! Get back in here and bring me a bucket!"


End file.
